


Echoes in the Darkness

by Marguaery



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Bars and Pubs, Character Death, Child Abuse, Cigarettes, Cigars, Cocaine, Death Threats, Drugs, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Gangs, Hinata Shouyou is Sunshine, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Love/Hate, Rape/Non-con Elements, Reader Is Thirsty, Reader-Insert, Sex, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Suffering, Threats, Torture, Tsukishima Kei Being an Asshole, Unrequited Love, Violence, Waiters & Waitresses, War, very slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2019-09-28 01:39:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 43,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17173406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marguaery/pseuds/Marguaery
Summary: Working as a hitman never bothered you.Until Kageyama Tobio shows up and ruins everything.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> "It is death again. It closes in on me, it is my only horizon."
> 
> — Alejandra Pizarnik

You had always wondered how you would die. Since the first time someone pointed a gun at your head, you knew things at your life wouldn’t be simple and you probably wouldn’t live a long time. No children, no grandchildren and you definitely wouldn’t be a host to those big festivities as thanksgiving and birthdays.

Well, at least you wouldn’t have to pretend happiness and satisfaction every second, like those women from commercials standing next to the stove and laughing at their children running through the house, while a lazy husband slept on the chair.

A shot in your heart or something capable of wrecking your brains out was good enough, you wouldn’t complain. Be poisoned and dying while looking across the table at your enemy was pretty romantic and tragic at the same time, an exquisite way to die, but probably too painful. Blood loss was convenient, but it would take too much time and you rather an ultimate and rapid death.

Truth be told:

You never thought your death would be so quiet and clean. And not in a million years you would’ve imagined that you would try to cling to the most insignificant details of your life just to stay alive. You were the kind of person that used to accept death as a lover, sometimes even hoping that it would come soon and save you from the hell called life.

You dreamed and prayed for this to happen so many times in your life that at some point you just stopped believing it would happen to you. You were sure that your body and soul were cursed to walk this earth for the rest of eternity, not feeling anything for anyone, killing and bathing yourself in blood like there was nothing wrong. Fucking senseless and never being able to emotionally connect to people around you. Sitting alone in the dark and smoking all through the night while watching a car sinking in the river and a beautiful sunrise.

At which point of your life had you become this weak, useless piece of skin and meat that waited to be saved? That hoped someone would magically appear and break the glass that confined your body from the rest of the room.  When had you became so vulnerable and hopeful that it was possible to be something other than what you were your whole life? What was the reason that at this second, this tiny and miserable second, you wished to live?

 

Ah, you knew the answer. But it was easier to pretend you didn’t.

Because you rather die than admit that _he_ was your only weakness.

Cursed was the day you chose to go to that fucking place, instead of bossing Hinata to do it in your place. Curse was the day you entered that store.

If it weren’t for this, you wouldn’t be dying right now. Or rather, if it weren’t for this event, you would’ve accepted death gladly instead of crying and scratching the glass around you, like a rat trying to run from a trap. You closed your eyes and breathed. All you could see was _his_ face. All you could do was pray to see _him_ once again, please, please.

_Please._

_Death, just this once, let me go and the next time you have me I’ll run to your arms and we will be happy together for eternity. But I beg you, just for this one time, let me see him again._

Curse was the day you met him.


	2. an information you didn't ask for

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Be careful, the universe will often tease you with things that were never meant to be yours.
> 
> — Treka L. House

“You know that if you didn’t stay until late drinking and smoking you wouldn’t have a headache, right?”

“Tsukishima.” a small voice resonated through the living room. Probably Hinata coming from the kitchen with a cup of water and a pill.  “You shouldn’t talk like this to her, she was working last night.”

“It can’t be so difficult to work on a pub. She probably worked for 10 minutes then headed for a club to get laid, do drugs and drink.”

“Tsukki…” Yamaguchi whined behind the blonde boy. You closed your eyes and pretended you weren’t the target of the mean man as Hinata walked to you and handed the cup and a pill, a caring smile on his face.

“Was it hard yesterday? Did you get enough rest? You can stay on the couch if you want to sleep a bit more.”

“I’m okay.” you swelled the remedy and the water in a single sip and got up.

“You better not believe that just because you were promoted, we are now letting you do whatever you want or some shit like that.”

“Pissed because a girl took your dream job, _Tsukki?_ It’s been weeks, I thought you would have gotten over this by now.” you used his nickname just to annoy him as you usually did, and his glare was enough to make you forget your headache for a few seconds.

“I would if my dream job was to be a fucking waiter at a shitty pub all night long.”

“At least she’ll get to see those above us and hear the discussions of the top killers. She’ll be dealing directly with the bosses. That’s pretty cool, I mean,” Hinata started talking and moving his hands around excitedly. “That’s your chance to get out of here, [Name]!”

“You know that if she gets out it doesn’t mean that she’s taking us with her, right Hinata?” you rather keep looking at the rug under your feet than to stare at the two. “Even if she’s been here for years, she doesn’t feel anything for any of us. She wouldn’t shed a tear even if we were all killed.”

“Tsukki, maybe you shouldn’t talk like this to her like this…” Yamaguchi tried to intervene, but you knew that not even his pleas wouldn’t soften Tsukishima’s heart. Well, you all lived in a difficult world. And making connections, caring about other people only caused pain and suffering for both sides.

But that didn’t mean you felt nothing towards the people you lived and worked with for the last two years.

“And if I died you would throw a party, wouldn’t you Tsukki?” you laughed humorlessly and placed the glass at the coffee table. “Using my photo to train darts, drinking my favourite beer and smoking a lot of pot just to make me envious from the other side.”

“You mean from hell, right? It’s the only place you could go, and maybe not even the devil would accept you.”

“Okay, why don’t the two of you just take this heated argument to the bedroom and drown your frustrations and hate in a really steamy session of casual sex?” you heard Tanaka make an unhappy comment while opening the door, at his side Nishinoya was having a blast probably laughing at the disgust face you and Tsukishima were making.  “It would be a really good time for the two of you, maybe light up the mood around here.”

“I’d rather be tortured.” you decided it was best to just ignore him instead of initiating a new argument.

“So, [Name], how was your day?” Noya asked while putting a black suitcase on your hands. “Daichi said we should give this to you. He wants you to deliver this to Kuroo.” 

“Our renown killer rental is now an errand girl. Such a nice promotion, I’m so envy!”

“Just shut up for once, Tsukishima. It was tiring as always, Noya.” You grabbed the suitcase, feeling the weight carefully. “It’s heavy, that’s not cocaine, is it?”

“Too many questions, dear.” Tanaka answered while lighting up a cigarette. “By now you should know it’s not good to think too much about those things, unless you want to end up dead or as someone’s whore.”

“You'll work today too, right [Name]?” Hinata’s soft voice asked you. You noticed he was standing next to the sofa with a mug on his hands.

“Yeah, probably. Hey Hinata, do you think you can buy those cigars I like from that store across town? I’ll grab you a drink from the pub in exchange.”

“You know I’m not able to resist your deals.”

“Shouldn’t you be getting ready or something by now?” Yamaguchi declared and you took a look at the watch hanging on the room.

“Yeah, I’m leaving.” you took the suitcase and ran to your room to get ready for another tiresome night of serving drug dealers, rental killers, burglars and whores. Sometimes you wondered if you really had received a good offer or if someone above you was just laughing at your expenses.

 

“Hey [Name], rested well?” Lev asked you as soon as you finished putting your apron. You breathed heavily before turning around and smiling at him. First step to make someone like you: smile at them and pretend you care.

When Daichi offered this job to you he explained exactly what it meant and his expectations. He believed you would be able to get together easily with everyone that worked at the pub and, as soon as they trusted you, to extract important information they had. Not only from your co-workers, but you would be able to listen to important conversations between high standards people and start an intrinsic database about them and the deals they made.

He trusted you were clever enough to provide him the information he needed.  But somehow you were stuck as a waiter, noting orders and delivering food; and, of course, no one was stupid enough to talk while you were around. If you didn’t give any useful information as soon as possible to Daichi, you knew he wouldn’t be merciful.

“Yeah, I’m good to go! Is Yamamoto coming today?”

“Actually, Akaashi told me you’re staying at the bar today. Apparently, Yamamoto is busy with a few things in Tokyo.” the white-haired boy stared at your suitcase “You have an errand today? I can cover you if you want.”

“I’m good, thanks.” your eyes glowed with the idea that you would be at the bar today. It was definitely the best place to get a few important information since most of the customers got drunk pretty easily and the ones that didn’t had no choice unless talk while you served them.

“Hey, my break is around 3:50 pm. Want to share a smoke outside?”

It was easy to understand Lev’s intentions, the way he avoided your eyes, how his hands intertwined nervously and his feet moved uncomfortably. You two were around the same age, soon hitting your twenties, but you were too different from each other.

Lev wasn’t deeply drowned at the same dark world you were, so he had time to stare at your ass and maybe even believe that you two could be something more. He could develop feelings, while you were too shallow to this colorful world of loving, of caring, of hope and happiness.

You smiled and gave him a blink.

“Sorry Lev,” you flirted while touching his chest for a few seconds “today I’m kind stuck on the bar. Maybe another time?”

“Sure, but I’ll remember it, okay? I’m not giving you up yet.”

“Don’t worry, I know.” you left the room fully aware of his gaze on your back, but didn’t give a damn. You went directly to the bar after saying hi to your others co-workers, and started cleaning the cups, wood and the expensive bottles beautifully organized on the glass shelves. 

“Hey [Name], we’re opening in a few minutes.” you could recognize that monotonous voice in seconds, no matter how far you were from him. Sometimes you were sure your insides twisted just imagining how it would feel to have his voice next to your ear. “Are you good there?”

“All ready, Akaashi-san.”

“Good. Hey, you know how the guys at the bar can get touchy so be careful with them, okay?”

“Don’t worry, I can take care of myself.”

“I know you can, that’s why I’m trusting a newbie to take care of the most stressful place at this pub. Stay away from trouble or you’ll never having that privilege again.”

_The only trouble I wanted to be involved is the one on your pants, boss._

“Understood.”

 

The guy definitely wasn’t kidding when he said you would be staying in the most stressful place. In less than 3 hours you were as tired as you would be after a whole night working on the other areas. You had to deliver so many drinks that most of the time you couldn’t even pay attention to what those men were talking about. At least, until you realized the one asking for a whiskey was no one less than Kuroo Tetsurou on flesh, a malicious smile directed at you.

You would be lying if you said that those bright golden orbs didn’t cause an effect on you. The way he lowered them to observe each piece of you made you shiver, and realizing how misty they rapidly became made you feel satisfied. He smirked even more once he knew he was caught eyeing you and slowly licked his lips.

“I thought you came for something else.” you told him, trying to be louder than the background music. “I’m not for sale Kuroo-san.”

“Not yet, darling. But I believe you would be a top commodity if you entered the market. I would definitely be your first buyer.”

“You know I’m not that hard to get right?” you sensuously leaned your elbows and arms on the wood counter, exposing as much as you could of your neckline and grinning when the man was easily distracted by the sight. “Why don’t you wait for me at the back door? I have a break in fifteen minutes.”

“How long does your break lasts?”

“Enough for you to have what you want.”

“I’ll be waiting then.”

You stared at him for a few more seconds, making sure to bite your red lipstick stained lips before start walking away. You weren’t able to. He held your wrist before pulling your body towards his well-built chest. You held your breath for a second and your hands immediately flew to under your skirt, where a holster and a knife were strategically placed to be easily reached in cases of emergency.

“Don’t pull the knife, kitten.” his hands caressed your wrist delicately, his hot breath reaching your ears with his husky voice, making your hands shiver from excitement and fear. So, this was how it felt to be dealing directly with someone as clever and important as your own boss, an associate, but someone that could certainly kill you in the blink of an eye. Someone that was your enemy unless the contrary was proven.

Your hand only moved a few centimeters away from your knife, but you stood still to show him you weren’t a threat. You almost screamed when you suddenly realized the hand that weren’t holding your wrist was under your skirt in seconds, completely immobilizing and making impossible for you to defend yourself.

“Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you. Unless you want to hurt me.” he nibbled the lobe of your ear and licked it as if you two weren’t in front of other people. You were sure he was having a lot of fun from the tone of his words. “I actually have a reward because you gave me such a _nice_ view.”

You felt the point of his fingers curiously exploring your skin while still holding your hand. If you weren’t so petrified by his actions you would be glad by how nice his finger felt on your thigh, how his body was warm against your, how nice he smelled and how good it was to have your chest glued to his. Almost making you wish there weren’t any clothes to separate the both of you.

“The only reward I want is to keep working and do what I was commanded to, Kuroo-san.”

“The shop you always go for cigars,” he ignored your answer and kept talking. “There’ll be a robber there tomorrow around 2’o clock, so unless you want to stop smoking your favourite brand, maybe you should do something.”

“What do you mean by that?” he was gone in a second, without sparing you a second glance. You breathed heavily and then realized he had left a paper on your hand. A telephone number and a short note saying his subordinate would grab the suitcase. Your fingers were trembling.

He could’ve killed in an instant if he wanted to. This was the power people like him held on his hand. A power that not even you, who had killed more people than you could count, was able to shield yourself from.

Daichi said you were cleaver and would fit in perfectly at a place full of men like Kuroo. At the time he told you that, you felt proud that someone had finally noticed you on the dark world you lived. You thought that maybe you could finally leave the mud and dirty that it was killing and hiding bodies, the runt of the litter.

Now you were scared. The things you learnt all your life meant nothing for men that were as well trained and intelligent as Kuroo and Daichi. If before you felt like nothing, now you were only a pawn on their chess board being thrown around, a life that no one cared if was lost.

“Hey, cutie, bring me another beer!”

You crushed the paper and smiled.

“Coming!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nice to see you guys again! Just want to remind you that I'm not a native english-speaker, so you probably have encountered a few mistakes and weird sentences, I apologize for that. If you let me know, I'll correct immediately!
> 
> I'll try to release a new chapter every Wednesday, hope you guys come again to read and comment. The beginning takes a while for things to happen, so please be patient with me! 
> 
> See you next week!  
> Also, happy new year everybody >:)


	3. never visit places about to be stolen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we can’t know better until knowing better is useless."
> 
> — John Green

“Why are you up so early Yamaguchi?” you asked as soon as you opened the door and saw the man putting his jacket on. “Already leaving for work?”

“Me and Tsukki will talk with a few guys that don’t want to pay for what they bought. Nothing big.”

“Good luck. I’m heading straight to bed.”

“Have a good rest. I made coffee.”

“Oh, you’re still alive.” Tsukishima showed himself and walked past you to put his shoes on.

“Tsukki…” you heard Yamaguchi call his friend’s name with a tint of reprobation.

“Don’t sound so disappointed or I might think you don’t like me, _Tsukki_.”

“Tch.”

The sound of a door opening and closing. Silence. You took the paper from your pocket. You analysed quietly his beautiful handwritten, realizing how his words were legible and had large spaces between them; how he had pointed, large letters that were also interestingly connected. You tried remembering everything from how a person’s personality was intricacy connected to its handwriting.

Kuroo was outgoing, enjoyed freedom and independence, was pretty confident and was very logical. The way he applied pressure to the note suggested tension and anger as well as his pointed letters confirmed that he might be holding aggression.

But why had he given you his number? He wanted some fun with you? Or was it a trap? Maybe he wanted to make Daichi believe you were betraying him. But why? As far as you knew the two of them were on good professional terms.

And more so, he had told you about the attack at the cigar shop. Was it related to the number? Does he wanted you to take this job? Was it a test? Or maybe the ones responsible for the attack were his enemies and it was convenient for Kuroo to throw his task at someone else’s hand. Maybe they were Kuroo’s partners and he just wanted an excuse, like you killing his people, to stop his partnering with Daichi.

So many possibilities and you couldn’t get to a conclusion. There wasn’t enough information for you to deduce his intentions. You didn’t have enough information about Kuroo’s personality, or the kind of business him and Daichi were having, not even what their partnership was about. You were a low-level killer, nothing more. And now, somehow, you were stuck in a situation too complex for you.

“You are biting your nails again, [Name].” Hinata handed you a mug of warm milk. The boy was always sweet and kind to you, even if you never did anything to deserve being treated like this. “I am almost sure that I can see smoke coming from your head.”

“Good morning Hinata. Milk?”

“You need to sleep. Drinking coffee, isn’t good for you!” he drank the dark liquid from his cup and for a second you wanted to scold him and yell that he had nothing to do with your sleeping habits, but you held the cruel statement from leaving your lips. He was the most caring about you in the house, and ever since day one, he was always nice to you. “How was work?”

“Good.” you lied. He didn’t need to know how your head was messy with so many theories and thoughts. “Thanks for the milk, I’ll be in my room if you need me.”

“Okay, sleep tight!”

 

**13 pm.**

You had one hour before the attack. Actually, half an hour considering that you needed at least thirty minutes to get there. You had slept with the topic on your head, but you didn’t reach a conclusion. You didn’t have much time left and, considering everything, maybe it was better to just ignore everything and stay home.

But your conscious wouldn’t let it. Not because the owner of the place was an old man who was probably innocent and had a death sentence, but because you were _curious._ You wanted to know why Kuroo had told you that, you wanted to know who were the people trying to robber that place and why. You _needed_ to know because it was the kind person you were.

You never cared the consequences of being like this or about what happened to yourself. Bruises, burns, holes from fire guns were consequences that you understood could happen anytime in that world.

Death was just a harder consequence.

You wore your leather pants and a jacket with a hood, took your sunglasses and went downstairs in seconds. You saw how Hinata had a puzzled look on his face and smiled.

“I’m going to buy the cigars.”

“But I thought you asked me to go.”

“Sorry, I ran out before I realized, so I’m going now. Anyway, it’ll be good to out for a while. The sun’s shining, right?”

“Sure, I guess.” he returned to his previously position on the couch and kept watching television. “Just don’t go around killing people like that time or Daichi will be mad at you.”

“I’ll try, but I make no promises. Can I take the Audi?”

 “Tsukishima and Yamaguchi took the red one, so you’ll have to take the black.”

“You’re not using it today?” you took the keys after removing the false bottom from one of the drawers.

“Nah, I’m stuck at home today.”

You stopped for a second. Maybe you could ask Hinata to do this. He wouldn’t mind to go get the cigarettes for you as long as he gained something in exchange. You held the keys. It was the easiest choice since if something bad happened he would be able to run and tell you. Whatever situation Kuroo had in mind he would never expect you to send another person on your place.

_I could avoid so many complications…_

“Hinata?”

“Yeah?”

“…”

_No. I can’t._

Your feminine intuition screamed that you had to do it yourself, alone.

“Do you want something?”

You parked the car with fifteen minutes to spare. It was a securely place next to an alley that reached the store’s back door. Trusting the tinted windows, you took the Glook .19 that was on your backpack and placed it on your back, hiding it with your jacket. You took your knives as well and hid them on holsters. You breathed heavily before leaving the car.

Your mind was blank, like it usually was before any job you took. This was one of your best qualities: as long as you were expecting something you would be calm and collected, able to do everything you had to. Soon, you were waiting on the other side of the street eating a hot dog while discretely looking at the shop’s door. You couldn’t see inside, so you didn’t know if the owner was there. No one suspicious was around yet.

8 minutes. A girl walks by you with her father, she’s telling she wants a dog.

7 minutes. You see an old man yawning while crossing the street.

6 minutes. The hot dog stand owner sells a coke to a teenager.

5 minutes. A woman opens her window and smiles at the weather.

4 minutes. Four men appear on the corner. They wear purple jerseys, jerseys you knew too well.

3 minutes. You should leave, now that you know why Kuroo told you that information.

2 minutes. They are opening the shop’s door.

1 minute. The last man looks at you and smiles before closing the door.

Zero. You cross the street.

 

Maybe you liked the blood. Maybe you liked the madness that was standing in the middle of the battlefield. Maybe you were just crazy. Maybe you just wished to die. Maybe all of those were the reasons why you entered that place, knowing there was a really big chance you wouldn’t go out uninjured. You covered your hands with gloves and got inside.

_Don’t go around killing people like last time, said Hinata. Fuck him, that’s the only thing I’m good at._

“Please, don’t hurt me! I’ll give you everything!” you heard someone’s voice as soon as you opened the back door. You were fast, they hadn’t checked all the exits yet, or they were stupid enough not to care. _Oh_ , you remembered, _that’s the owner’s voice._

You entered slowly and walked lowered and silently like you always did, hiding behind the boxes of products and took your knife, holding it firmly on your hands. You heard the door to where you were, the stocks, opening and closing.

You held your breath, closed your eyes and stayed extremely focused only on the sounds of the steps. Far, far, far, middle, middle, close, close, close, _close._ You opened your eyes and got up just in time to cut his throat easily. The man didn’t make a sound.

The blood spilled and stained your clothes, but you held the body to avoid any noise. You carefully placed the dead man on the floor and took the gun he had on his hands.

_Three to go._

The next part would be more difficult since you had only a few minutes until the other three noticed something was wrong. You walked through stock to the door where the man had appeared and breathed, you knew the owner had a gun under the counter. If your distraction was fast enough for him to reach it, your chances to kill all the enemies would significantly rise.

“Tell me where _that_ is or I swear I’ll fucking spread your tiny brain on the walls!”

_They are looking for something? What are they looking for in a tobacco store, Kuroo?_

“No matter what happens don’t tell him!”

“Shut up your fucking asshole! I’ll make sure to cut you in pieces just to make the boy talk.”

_Now_.

You opened the door with a loud noise and smiled sweetly with how the three man turned their heads to you. Tiny seconds, but enough for you to shoot one of them straight at the heart and for the owner to lower himself reaching the shotgun he had.

_Two to go._

Instantly he shot the man that was closer to him, but his aim was bad and only reached his right shoulder. The man on the purple jersey screamed, but had strength enough to shoot the owner’s head. His life was over in a second and you heard a scream.

 “UKAI-SAN!”

But you didn’t have time to think, since the one that wasn’t hurt tried killing you with a few shots that you nearly didn’t deflect. You breathed heavily while hiding behind the wall.

“Fuck, Shibata do something!” you heard through the shots, and you knew his ammo was probably ending.

“The fucking asshole just shoot me!”

“Stop crying like a bitch and help me now! Take the boy while I kill that fucking whore.”

_They want him alive. That will be the death of them._

You knew the tallest of the two was coming behind you and decided to play. You were tiny and delicate, used to move around without making a single noise. How long could you hide from him?

“Hey little rat, where are you? I can hear you screaming and crying, you know? Maybe if you lower your gun, I can have give you some mercy, _sweetheart_.”

You dropped a box a little far from you and he immediately shoot it. _Good. He is impulsive_. That wouldn’t last long, and since his partner already had a hole on his shoulder, it would be even easier. The hardest part was running before the police arrived. How much time passed since the first shot?

“We can have a really nice time together. Have you ever been with a man? A real man? I’ll make you fell like you’re torn in two, baby.”

Ah, your eyes darkened and you suddenly stopped walking. It would be a pleasure to make a hole right at the middle of his eyebrows. You would be _so_ glad to see the blood spilling and his eyes unmoving reflecting death.

 “Why don’t you come and get me?” You pushed a box that created a cascade effect and he started shooting everywhere. In a second you were behind him, smoke coming from the tip of your gun while you observed the man falling. You smiled and smashed his right knee with the weight of your foot, appreciating the sound his bones made while cracking.

“Kai?” for a second you almost forgot where you were, but the voice coming from the front brought you back to life.

_One to go._

You didn’t even waver and just entered the store pointing you gun to the man already shivering and impaired because of the bullet lodged on his body.

“Give me your gun,” he screamed while pointing his own at the black-haired boy’s head. “or I’ll fucking kill this boy.”

“You say that like I care.” You shot him in a second, but this time he fell from the three bullets on his chest. The boy screamed and leaned on the counter, puking what was probably his lunch on the floor. You whispered to yourself. “Although he was lying. You can’t kill someone you need information from.”

“Thank you.” he was cleaning his lips, but was so pale that it was almost as he had seen death itself in front of him. Well, maybe he had. You pointed the gun at him.

“I’m not here to save you.”

“Wait, please! I haven’t done anything wrong! Don’t kill me!”

“I know. But you saw me, and I can’t have you around telling people I’m a killer, darling.”

“I won’t tell, I swear! I promise, but don’t kill me. I swear, I’ll tell them it was Ukai that did this, please!”

You breathed heavily, and heard police sirens. Police was coming, meaning you didn’t have much time. The boy was looking down, still begging for his life, but his pleadings only annoyed you. You touched the trigger.

“Please, there’s something I need to do! I can’t die yet!”

_I CAN’T DIE YET!_ Your own voice resonated through your ears.

Sirens, the boy in front of you.

_Tell me what you know!_ The burglar was threatening the boy because he knew something.

Blood on the floor, the smell of iron.

_Tomorrow… Kuroo’s voice. Why telling you about this?_

Your gun pointing to the black haired man’s head.

_He knows something, something important enough for Kuroo to want him alive. To make me come here._

Pleading eyes looking at you. Police sirens, brake sounds.

_Fuck it._

“You’ll come with me.”

You grabbed the boy’s arm and dragged him with you walking on the stocks room and jumping boxes, not even sparing a glance at the dead men with purple jackets glued to the floor. You opened the door to the alley and in less then a minute of running you were on the car.

“Get in the fucking car right now!”

The boy didn’t think twice with a gun pointed to his head and seated on the passenger seat. You took the driver’s seat and before there was any sight of the police you were already gone, the gun still pointing to the boy besides you.

 

Buildings appeared and disappeared and instead of going home you just drove around aimlessly. He didn’t say anything and neither did you for a long and tense amount of time. One hour and a half after, you decided to park next to a forest. No cars were on that road.

“Are you going to kill me?” he asked with a surprisingly calm voice. Now that the adrenaline was over, he was probably accepting his destiny.

“That will depend on your answers.” You held the gun on your hand firmly and leaned its tip on his temple. “Tell me the truth and maybe I’ll let you go.”

A lie. It is _so easy_ to roll your tongue and tell a lie. That’s another thing you are good at.

“Who are you, kid? And why were those men behind you?”

“I’m not a kid. Those men weren’t behind me. They were looking for the new drug.”

“The new drug?” _shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. What the hell had you got yourself in? Fuck Kuroo and his mind games. You got yourself in some shit you definitely weren’t supposed to._ “Wait, what’s you name?”

“I’m Kageyama Tobio. And I’m the son of the man who created this drug.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm not a native english-speaker, so you probably have encountered a few mistakes and weird sentences. Maybe you saw grammar mistakes and tense mistakes and I'm deeply sorry for that.
> 
> If you have suggestions or corrections to make about strange sentences and grammar in the story, please, let me know and I'll correct it immediately. It would help me improve my english and reach more readers.
> 
> Thank you so much for your time and I hope you enjoy reading this story as much as I'm enjoying writing it!


	4. do not point weapons at your friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So, I may have committed some light treason."
> 
> — Havve Hogan

“Wait, how can you just spill it out like this? Wasn’t supposed to be a secret? That man told you not to tell anyone.”

“This information won’t take you anywhere, since I don’t have any idea of what drug it is or where the hell it is for.”

“Why didn’t you tell this to those men?”

“I didn’t have the chance, everything was too fast, just thinking about it make me head spin. And they would’ve killed me if I told them something like this.”

“What makes you believe I won’t?” you pressed the tip of your gun harder on his temples.

“I know you won’t kill me.” the stoic expression he wore almost made your blood boil. You squinted your eyes and approached your face to his, holding his chin to make his eyes directly face yours.

“If you think that just because I’m a woman, that I can’t kill you and thrown your body on the woods where it will root, stink and be eaten by worms for weeks before anyone finding it, then you are very wrong _boy._ ” you held his chin until you were sure there would be bruises, but his eyes didn’t quiver and that only made you even more annoyed. “If you want, I can torture you a little bit before killing. Wouldn’t it be fun for the two of us to have blood all over the floor?”

“I am not doubting you, it’s just… I think that if you wanted me dead, you would’ve done it before, at the store. But you saved me.”

You freed his face and stopped pointing the gun at him. He wasn’t wrong, even if you hadn’t done this because of pity. Something made you believe this boy was important for something, important for Kuroo; and the fact he was somehow related to a mysterious drug only made you more interested in him. The malicious and manipulative man had moved his strings to make you save the boy. And now you were stuck with him.

“I can’t go back.” he said while looking to the road and you knew from the way his bottom lip trembled that he was holding his tears. “I don’t have anywhere to go now.”

He was special and you couldn’t let him go. If you did, that meant that Kuroo would have him. And that Kuroo would find _that_ drug before Daichi, meaning that somehow you would be behind him in this crazy search. And you wouldn’t let this happen after killing four men and almost being caught fleeing a crime scene. You smiled and turned the car’s motor on, it was a long way home.

“You’re staying with me for a while. At least I know what kind of drug we are talking about.” you heard him breathing with relief and for a second regretted your words. That wasn’t a good idea. “You better know that I’m only doing this because you’ll be useful to me, not because I pity you. From the moment you become useless, I’ll kill you myself, boy.”

“I’m not a boy. My name’s Kageyama Tobio and I’m eighteen.” you stayed silently and agreed. “It’s true, I’ll be nineteen on December!” you turned the radio on and ignored him once again. “Hey.”

 _Pause._ You looked at him from the corner of your eyes, ignoring the road for a few seconds. He had his head held up high, but you could see that his hands were shivering. Was it the first time he saw someone dying? The first time he saw blood? Was he afraid of you and your stained shirt?

Maybe he was thinking about jumping from the car to save himself. Maybe he would tell you he hated you for making him a prisoner. You wandered if he wanted to throw up again or if he was thinking how those men kept their eyes open after being shoot. Oh, how sweet was to think that you were there when he had his innocence taken away; how you were part of the reason he had his innocence taken away. Just like once, so much time ago, someone did the same with you.

“Thank you. I mean, for saving me.”

You clenched the steering wheel tight.

That wasn’t the reaction you were waiting for.

 

“I tell to not go killing people around and as soon as I turn on the news, your favourite tobacco store has 5 bodies. Awesome job, [Name].” that was Hinata talking as soon as you opened the door. You didn’t have time to react. As soon as he turned around and saw a man standing next to you, even if he had blindfolds on and his hands were tied, Hinata pulled out his gun. “Who the hell is he and why you brought him here?”

“Calm down Hinata. Don’t worry, he’s not a threat.”

“[Name], you just broke a rule. You know you’re not supposed to bring anyone here! If Daichi finds out he will definitely kill you!”

“So now you go out for cigars and come back with stray dogs?” you felt a shiver on your spine. Oh, how you wished that Tsukishima wasn’t home; if you were completely fucked before for bringing Kageyama to your place, now that Tsukishima knew, you would be dead in less than an hour.

“This is no place for your fucking hook-ups.” You felt the tip of Tsukishima’s pistol on your right temple and didn’t even tried to move. Yamaguchi was probably holding Kageyama and pointing a gun to him as well. “Daichi won’t forgive you this time.”

“[Name]?” you heard the quivering voice from the blindfolded man behind you. “Is everything okay? Because I think someone is pointing a gun to me.”

“Don’t move Kageyama. Hey, guys, I know how this looks like, but you have to hear me. He’s not one of my hook-ups, you all know that I would never do something like this. He’s my hostage, okay? I will talk with Daichi and he’ll understand that I had no other choice than bring him here.”

“Well, for me it seems like you are our hostage right now, [Name].” you watched how Tsukishima’s smile widened and sighted. It wouldn’t be easy to deal with him. Hinata still held his gun up high, directed towards Kageyama; this time you couldn’t depend on his help. You were alone. “Hey Yamaguchi, who you think will take [Name]’s place when Daichi get rid of her? Hinata, Tanaka and Nishinoya are too much loud and stupid for it.”

“I’m pretty sure Daichi would rather choose a hooker than you, _Tsukki._ You’re to salty to deal with people and too stupid to gather information.”

“We’ll see about that.” You heard him taking the security lock off and felt him pressing the gun harder against your head. “Oh wait, you won’t be alive to see it.”

“I know you won’t kill me. You’re all bark and no bite, _Tsukki.”_

“I can’t kill you, but that doesn’t mean I can’t kill your fucking floozy.” you instantly felt when the gun stopped touching you and a shiver ran down your spine.

_Shit again. How I got myself in this? Fuck!_

Tsukishima was taller and probably stronger than you, but you were faster and had better instincts. Before he could pull the trigger, you grabbed the barrel with your left hand and placed your head off centerline to avoid getting shot. At the same time, you did a karate chop wrist with your free hand, turning Tsukishima’s gun hand to face himself.

If it was any other person, with the risk of getting shot he would’ve dropped the gun. But it was Tsukishima you were fighting with, and he didn’t even flinch before reacting and trying to punch you. You were fast enough to avoid it and used the weight of the movement on your favour to grab the gun from his hands and point to him. Immediately you knew Hinata’s and Yamaguchi’s pistols were aiming your head.

“Why are you doing this for someone like him?” Hinata asked you, but you kept your fixed posture ready to shoot the blonde’s heart at any second. “You don’t point a gun to a friend.”

“He didn’t think about it while pointing it to me, did he?” you breathed heavily, feeling all the tension of the room on your muscles. Each person was waiting and watching closely all the others to any unusual movement. “I’ll drop the gun, but I really need you to listen to me. _Please._ ”

“We will.” Yamaguchi was the one who answered and you saw how he exchanged an intimate look with Hinata. Tsukishima hadn’t moved and didn’t seem worried with the gun turned towards him. “Tsukishima won’t hurt you, right?”

“He won’t hurt me or Kageyama. Promise.”

“I fucking won’t.”

You slowly raised your arms and bowed down, placing the pistol next to your feet. You kicked it until it reached Hinata and immediately you saw the ginger one putting his gun back to its place. Yamaguchi did the same, but kept his arms around Kageyama’s neck. Tsukishima just said a “Tch” and went to sit on the couch like nothing happened.

“He knows something.” you started while leaning against the wall, grabbing your shirt and realizing the blood stains it had. Sadly, it was one of your favourite shirts. “Those shits from Shiratorizawa were after him and I stole the guy from them. Long story short, I believe Daichi will be happy with the gift. As long as he’s alive and able to talk.”

“He knows what?” Tsukishima asked.

“I thought Tanaka told us yesterday not to make many questions. I’m obeying it.”

“What makes you believe he’s not a spy? Bringing him here was your stupidest decision.” Hinata spoke. “You forgot that Noya told us that Daichi wouldn’t be in Miyagi tonight?”

“I had nowhere else to take him. I need to work and I can’t take him with me.”

“Fuck, now you want us to babysit your hook-ups? Go to the fucking hell, [Name].” Tsukishima wasn’t making things easy for you. If only you could stab that beautiful white neck of him to make him quiet. “Don’t bring your problems home and wait for us to care of them. You’re not a fucking kid anymore, so stop acting like one.”

“You wanted me to just drop him and wait until our enemies got valuable information to use against us? That’s exactly the reason Daichi trusts me more than you, Tsukishima.”

“Stop now the two of you!” Hinata screamed, something he only did when he was extremely pissed off. The both of you quieted immediately. “I’ll watch him out while you’re out.”

“You know that doing everything she wants won’t make her fall in love for you, right Hinata? You are always her fucking pet and never gets even a shag. Pathetic.”

“Shut up. This has nothing to do with you Tsukishima.” Hinata walked to Kageyama and even though he was much lower, he grabbed the man’s shirt and made him stand on his knees. Kageyama was silently and breathing heavily, not understanding anything since he had the blindfold covering his eyes. “Move an inch without my consent and I’ll kill you. Are we understood?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you Hinata.”

“You own me your damn soul, [Name]. And I will charge you.”

 

“Hey, sweetheart, bring me a Sazerac and a Dry Martini!”

“Yes, sir.  I’ll bring it right away.” You answered while walking to the kitchen. Lev was stirring a pan and smiled at you, to which you gave a tired smile as an answer. “I feel like I’ve been here for years and this night is never over.”

“It’s unusual for you to complain. Tough day?”

“You have no idea.” You grabbed the plate your co-worker handed over to you and paid attention to the table number he told you. “I have my break in five minutes. Want to share that cigarette?”

“Sure, I’ll meet you at backdoors.” he had a singsong tone that almost made you laugh. It would be good to distract yourself from everything that happened earlier and from the stress that was working on the pub. Unfortunately, destiny had other plans.

“Thank you, baby.” you heard him happily talk to you as if nothing had happened. The man with messy hair and mischievous smile was sitting on one of the red leather chairs and started to cut his delicious steak as soon as you gave the plate to him. “You look astonishing as always. Why don’t you make me company for a few seconds?”

“You have a lot of guts to come back here, Kuroo-san.”

“Oya? That’s pretty mean for you to say after I was so nice.”

“I don’t think you are nice with anyone unless you have second intentions.” you ran your hands over your apron to dislodge it. “What do you want?”

“I want the boy.” he slowly chewed the meat and cleaned his lips with the paper napkin. “Where is he?”

“As far as I know, he was kidnapped or killed. Those men from Shiratorizawa are pretty dangerous, aren’t they?”

“Just like you.” he leaned his elbows on the table and supported his chin on his hands while staring at you. “You don’t want to play this game with me, baby.  Give me the boy and you walk out of it unharmed.”

“Why sending me when you could’ve sent your man, Kuroo-san? What are you planning?”

“Me, planning something?” he placed his hands above his heart and his countenance voice turned into false innocence. “I’m always this nice!”

“I have no intention on entering the dangerous game you, Daichi and all the other bosses play, Kuroo-san. I’m good as I am right now. And if you excuse me, I need to continue working.” you turned around and decided to ignore his little act.

“Are you, though?” you stood still to listen his words, even if you didn’t want to. “As far as I know, you used to like being on top, [Name]. I bet in more than one way.”

You turned to him with awfully lifeless eyes.

“Stay away from my past, Kuroo Tetsurou.”

He chuckled.

“I’m not the one digging around, baby. But I can provide you information that Daichi won’t, as long as you do as I tell you.”

“I thank you for the _kind_ offering, but I’m good. I can take care of my own problems.”

_I won’t do as I did before._

“You have my number if you ever change your mind, darling.”

 

Lev politely lit your cigarette.

“Were you talking to Kuroo-san back there?” he took a drag on his cigarette and you did the same on yours. You closed your eyes and enjoyed the silence for a second. “You know he’s trouble right? Best to stay away.”

“I know. But trouble is always looking for me, Lev. And I can’t pretend someone’s coming to save me.”

He was silent for a while and you wondered about what he was thinking. He opened his mouth and then closed, like a gulping fish. Then he looked around and realizing no one was close, he turned to you and started whispering.

“On your day off Kuroo-san was talking from another guy from Tokyo, his name is Bokuto Koutaro. I couldn’t hear what they were talking about, but I’m pretty sure that ‘rifles’ and ‘shotguns’ were quoted a few times.”

_Bokuto and Kuroo dealing guns? As long as you knew Kuroo only provided cocaine for his associates. Something was wrong, very wrong._

“Why are you telling me this?” you observed him, who was unusually quiet and collected, but you knew from his facial expression that he wasn’t lying. Someone as Lev wasn’t clever enough to create such a complex lie only to make you suspicious.

“I’m pretty sure Yamamoto works for Kuroo-san, but I know you’re with that other guy here from Miyagi. And I know you’re not here only to work.” you gave him no answer, only exhaled the smoke. “Of course, you know nothing is free. This first was only a free sample.”

“What do you want in exchange, Lev?”

“I’m pretty sure you know. I don’t want much, just enough to make me satisfied sometimes.”

_Cocaine. If only it was that easy to get your hands on your boss’s traffic product._

“If you provide me with good stuff, I’ll make sure to retaliate.” You threw the rest of the cigarette on the floor and stepped on it to put out the fire. “But if I discover you’re dealing with Yamamoto or anyone else as well, you’ll be dead in a second Haiba Lev.”

“I know.” he repeated your gesture and opened the door to go back to the restaurant. “Don’t worry, this is a game I’m not interested in playing. I care enough for my life to know that you’re someone I shouldn’t lie to.”

“Good.”

Akaashi was waiting for you when you got inside. He stared at you emotionlessly before sighting.

“Someone called Tanaka said he wanted to talk to you. You have five minutes before I kick his ass out of here.”

You agreed and ran to the pub’s front door. Tanaka being here was definitely not a good sign. Technically, he and Nishinoya held the same position as Tsukishima and Hinata, but since they worked with Daichi much longer that all of you, they were closer to your boss. If Tanaka was here, meant that he already knew about Kageyama and that Daichi knew as well.

“You never stay too much time out of trouble, do you?” the bald one said, actually laughing as if he saw a kid getting caught doing something wrong. You would never understand his sense of humor. “Daichi said he’s coming for you at home as soon as he’s done with his business. He’ll be here tomorrow morning.”

You looked around making sure no one suspicious was around. Mostly the street was desert with the exception of a homeless man passed out a few meters away. You thought about Kuroo and how he said he could provide the information you needed; he probably had a really complex web of people and connections everywhere.

“What am I supposed to do until them?”

“Find out as much as possible. Me and Nishinoya will be out for a few days, and Hinata, Yamaguchi and Tsukishima have things to do as well. You’ll be alone to care of _it_.”

“And if I don’t find out anything?”

“Then you’ll have to talk with Daichi. You created this problem, now its time for you to find out the solution.”

“I deeply appreciate your emotional support, Tanaka.”

“Weren’t you the one who always said you could figure things out alone?” he made a serious expression, something you rarely saw happening. Deep down you knew that it was your fault, you were the one who always kept everyone else away. _But you only did it because you were afraid_. “Hope things work out. See you later.”

And you were alone again. Well, you were used to this by now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm not a native english-speaker, so you probably have encountered a few mistakes and weird sentences. Maybe you saw grammar mistakes and tense mistakes and I'm deeply sorry for that.
> 
> If you have suggestions or corrections to make about strange sentences and grammar in the story, please, let me know and I'll correct it immediately. It would help me improve my english and reach more readers.
> 
> Thank you so much for your all the kudos and comments! Hope to see you next week as well!


	5. drugs and an unexpected voice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That is how heavy a secret can become. It can make blood flow easier than ink.
> 
> — Patrick Rothfuss

You took a long time sizing up Kageyama Tobio, who was currently tied to a wood chair with a black blindfold covering his eyes. From the way he tried moving his muscles you could easily conclude he was uncomfortable for staying in the same position for so long.

You observed how his beautiful oval face, pale skin and a tint of pink tinting his cheeks, probably due to the heat inside the room you had just entered. His eyes were covered, but it was easy to see that his dark eyebrows were curved down, as if he wore an angry expression. His nose was little and slightly pinched upwards, his mouth had a scowl with pursed thin lips. For the first time you realized he had no facial hair, even if his hair was full and lustrous, a little messy from the current situation, black and straight.

He had broad shoulders, was muscular and solid as if he practiced some sport. His posture was rigid, back completely stretch and legs slightly parted. You saw that he still wore the clothes from last night, denim blue jeans, a white v-shirt and a blue cardigan that were all crumpled, dirty and with a few stains of blood.

You held a red folder on your hands, something Hinata handed you as soon as you came home from the pub. He explained that Yamaguchi had requested Kiyoko for a full background research on Kageyama Tobio and he was giving you all the results, trusting that you would know what you were getting into.

“Kageyama, it’s me.” you started, leaning against the wall a few meters from him and opening the fold. “Hinata did something to you?”

“No, he was just quiet. Considering the circumstances, I believed it was better not to say anything.”

“So, you’re actually kind of clever.” you grinned a bit. “Listen, I will make a few questions and I need you to be honest with me, okay? It’s not only your ass that might be on the line.”

“You saved me.” his answers were a surprise to you once again. “I mean, I’m kind of a hostage right now but I guess it’s better than be dead.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure.” You whispered.

“I have no intentions of lying to you.”

“Okay let’s begin. When’s your birthday?”

“December 22nd”

“How old are you?”

“Nineteen.”

“Occupation?”

“I used to go to college, but had to work to pay for it, so I applied to work at Ukai’s shop. The tobacco one.”

You checked each answer he gave you with what was written on the papers neatly organized at the folder. As always, Kiyoko did an amazing job of hacking and discovering absolutely everything about any person. You had always admired her ability with technology, which she usually answered complimenting your survival skills.

“What about your mother?” he breathed heavily and paused for a moment before answering.

“She ran away with a man when I was a child.” _True._

“Your father?”

“He used to work to a pharmaceutical industry. Two years ago, he started working on a laboratory, but he never told me much about it. He used to leave really early on the morning and come back home really late. We almost never talked to each other and everytime I questioned him about work, he said it was none of my business. I moved out six months after he started working there.”

The date he told you checked with the two different addresses you had on the file. You walked to him and removed his blindfold; he blinked a few times to get used to the light. You pulled a chair and positioned it right across him and faced him closely. You could easily tell if someone was telling a lie as long as you had memorized the face patterns the person did when she was telling the truth. You repeated the same questions as before, this time without blinking while looking at him.

“When it was the first time you touched a girl’s breast?”

“What kind of question is this?” he blushed slightly.

“Answer it.”

“Fifteen.”

“Liar.”

“Okay, okay I was seventeen, okay? Tch.”

“Late bloomer, huh?”

“What? No!” you laughed lightly with his embarrassment.

“Look Kageyama, here’s the deal.” you crossed your arms and leaned your back on the chair. “I need something solid to give my boss if I want to stay alive. I need something from your father, or the drug or anything that we can use as a starter. He’ll be here tomorrow, and if we don’t have it, we are both dead.”

“I told you what I knew. My father probably has the drug formula because he is the creator. And I only know this because I heard rumors about it, and then those men came after me. I have no idea why there are people looking for it or what it is. I swear.” _True._

_No, there must be something more. Maybe something he doesn’t even suspect is a clue._

“Wait, rumors? What you mean with that?”

“One of my father’s ex-colleague went to the store once and asked if I knew anything about my father’s current job. Since we had already parted ways, I told him we weren’t talking anymore and he answered accusing my father of getting involved with the creation of drugs. He left a lot annoyed, but back then I had other things to worry about, so I didn’t paid attention.”

“Do you remember his name?”

“No, it’s been a long time. All I know is that they worked together at the pharmaceutical company.”

“It’s probably a beginning.” you smiled and took your cellphone to send a message to Kiyoko. After asking Kageyama’s father name and the company he worked, you asked if she could help you. In less than a minute you received a ‘Yes’ and she told you owned her a box of imported cigarettes.

“If we find the drug formula, I’ll destroy it.” you turned to Kageyama with a puzzled look. “Ukai died because those men were looking for information about this. He died for something he had nothing to do with. I won’t forgive my father.”

The words awoke a part of your mind you didn’t want to, not right now. You felt resentment, hate, sadness and mostly anger because you knew exactly what it was like to suffer the consequence of other’s mistakes. Of your parents’ mistakes. _I will never forgive him_. For a second it was almost as if the two of you were connected somehow, trying to survive after suffering the consequences of someone else’s decisions.

_No._

_No._

_No._

_We are not the same._

_I am a killer._

_I know that. I know there’s no turning back._

“If _I_ find the drug formula, _I_ ’ll do whatever I want with it.” your voice sounded more raucous than you expected.

“You need me.”

“I don’t need anyone!” your voice trembled, but Kageyama didn’t noticed or pretended not to. He gazed down as a shy child being reprimand and you breathed heavily. “You’re still my hostage, Kageyama Tobio. Don’t think that just because we might die for the same stupid reason that we are friends.”

You left the room before he even had a chance to reply.

 

“So, this is the list of people your father worked during those years.” You threw a thick pile of papers on Kageyama’s lap. He moved his head slightly to observe the faces printed on the first page.

“None of these.” He moved uncomfortably, his hands still tied on the back of the chair. You observed the twopaper food containers with the words ‘cup noodles’ imprinted and the steam coming from it.

“I’ll untie you.” you approached the man and started moving the rope. “Just so you are able to eat and look at the papers.” Before he had any chance to even move an inch, you squeezed his wrists making him whimper in pain. You knew this was probably something you shouldn’t do to a hostage, but after reading everything about his life you knew he couldn’t hurt you even if he wanted to.

“You better not try anything funny. The only thing I need is your mouth tomorrow. I won’t hesitate to break your bones if I suspect anything.” You pulled his hair forcefully and his neck bended, his eyes staring directly at yours. “Are we understood?”

“Yes, madam.”

You gave him an annoyed look while he rubbed his red and blooded wrist. You handed him the cup noodle with chopsticks and he eagerly started eating and making noise. You seated on your chair and did the same, slowly enjoying the meal.

“It’s delicious.” he exclaimed happily.

“It’s cup noodles. It’s not delicious, it’s only enough to keep you alive for now.”

“I used to eat them with my father every Friday.” his eyes were lowered, staring intensely at the cup on his hands. “Before, I mean. We used to watch movies together all the time. Sometimes I was too tired from volleyball practices after school and slept. He never minded and just kept watching the movie just to tell me the summary afterwards.”

_So, this is what it feels to have a father figure?_

You kept chewing your noodles and didn’t answer him, but that seemed to prevent the boy in front of talking.

“Sometimes I used to eat cup noodles with a few friends as well, even thought our coach told us it wasn’t healthy and wouldn’t provide us energy enough for the training. But it was always fun to seat and talk with them, discuss our next games.” he was silent for a second, just enough to eat a little bit more of his meal. “I… I won’t be able to see them again, will I?”

You faced him blankly. He had a sad smile on his lips, like he had already accepted his fate. You couldn’t explain why, but seeing him like this after talking about how common his routine was made you feel a bit uncomfortable. Things weren’t supposed to be like this. Teenagers and young adults like him were supposed to be going out with friends, parties, spending time dating.

Not stuck in an old basement, tied to a chair while eating a meal after 24 hours starving. You belonged to this world, not someone like him.

Maybe you should’ve avoided his suffering. Maybe you should’ve killed him back then.

_I can’t die yet._ he said. _I won’t forgive my father_.

_Humans are such fools,_ you thought to yourself. _believing that desire is enough to reach anything._

“No.” you replied after some time. “I don’t think so. You should be thankful for being alive.”

“I’m thankful you saved me. I don’t mind losing the things I used to enjoy, as long as I can find why my father created the drug. Why he entered the underworld.”

“Underworld?” you laughed and almost choked, having to stop for a few seconds to cough. “So cute.”

“What?”

“No one calls it like that. You’re not in a movie.” You laughed a little more before setting the paper cup aside. “Now come on. Finish your meal and let’s find that guy who knew about your father. Something tells me he’s directly related to the reason your father started creating this drug.”

 

“I can’t find him. It’s none of these guys.” the two of you were sited on the floor, with at least 20 pages with completely different faces spread around you, looking for the man that contacted Kageyama before.

“That’s impossible. I’m sure those are all the man that worked at that company. He has to be here. Look again.”

“I looked at least 5 times at each page. I’m sure he’s not here. His appearance is not someone easily forget.”

“Shit.” you pushed away the papers around. “He must have deleted his own record.”

“Why would he do something like this?”

“Because he knew someone would look for him.”

Something, something, something. There must be something you let it pass, something that you could use to prove everything Kageyama told you was true, that the drug actually existed. You had only a few more hours until Daichi arrived. Luckily, it was your day off at the pub.

“The pub. Maybe Lev can help me.” You took your cellphone and called the boy. He answered in less than three ringtones.

“[Name]? To what do I owe this pleasure?” his voice was carefree, background noises making it difficult for you to hear him well.

“I need a favour.” you didn’t wait his words demanding a payment. “I’ll bring to you tomorrow. I need you to gather me all the info you have about anyone who talks about pharmaceutical industries or similar at the pub. Keep an eye on Bokuto and Kuroo, they’ll be there tonight, won’t they?”

“That’s oddly specific.” he commented. “But I will. A strange coincidence, don’t you think? Them being here every time you aren’t.”

“I’ll work this out later. Right now, I really need you to do what I asked you, Lev.”

“Don’t worry, I never fail on my obligations.”

“We’ll see. Call me as soon as you have something.”

You put the phone back on your pocket and turned to Kageyama.

“I’ll need to tie you again.

“Are you going somewhere?” he asked while siting on the chair. As always, he was strangely obedient, even offering his wrists for you to tie. “You know I don’t have anywhere to go, right? Even if I tried escaping, I’m pretty sure there are more guys looking for me. I never learned to fight or to shoot, I would be dead in seconds.”

“You think this is some vacation camp? I’m not here to fucking protect you.”

“I know. I know you would kill me if you could. But I still need you, kidnapper-san.”

“I have a fucking name.” you told him while making sure he wouldn’t be able to escape. “If you call me kidnapper-san ever again I’ll cut your fucking tongue, _boy_.”

“I also have a name. Call me Kageyama, please.”

“Tch.”

 

No one was walking in the park at an hour like this. You could feel the cold breeze entering through the rips of your jeans and lifting your shirt to kiss your skin. Not even the jacket covering you was enough to avoid the low temperatures. Leaves fell on the ground one by one, sometimes hitting the wooden bench and the water fountain, sometimes making sounds when you crashed them with your old boots.

You took a seat on the concreate semi-wall part of the water fountain and watched as the air you exhale formed a white foam next to your lips. There were a lot of plants, but most of them didn’t have any flowers and the beautiful orange carpet on the floor reminded you that autumn would soon end and allow winter to come. You smiled. You loved snowflakes and hot cocoa. You liked how the streets were emptier because most people weren’t courageous enough to go outside due to the cold.

The blood stained the snow, instead of staining the floor, like on the other seasons.

During the winter a body could stay hidden for a long time before it was found.

“I see you’re not very good at hiding your presence, Asahi-san.”

“That wasn’t my intention at all, [Name].” the man laughed softly while sitting beside you. “How are you? Unusual for you to directly contact me.”

“I’m in a little bit of trouble, but nothing I can’t handle.” you took a paper package from under your jacket and handed it to him. “Sorry, I don’t have much time. I need to go back as soon as possible. It’s the exactly amount you asked me, all cash.”

“I know I can trust you.” he took the package and discretely handed you a small plastic bag in return. You checked the white powder content for a second before putting it safety inside your bra. “But are you sure you want to start something like this? You know that Daichi doesn’t allow his people to use the product he smuggles.”

“Don’t worry, it’s not for me.” you adjusted the black hood on your head and smiled at the man. “Can I trust that this will stay between us?”

“Of course, as long as you pay me, I’ll take it to my grave.”

“Thanks, Asahi-san. See you later!”

“Watch out for yourself, kid. You know I don’t want see you hurt, right?” you stared at him for a second. Asahi one of the people responsible for selling the cocaine around Miyagi, and when you started working for Daichi he was the one who taught you about all the alleys and ways to avoid the police around. Even if it was for short amount of time, he was attached to you. Maybe because you were a girl, maybe because you were a lot young when you began. Maybe because he never saw how you smiled when you were killing and hunting people. You kind of liked him too. “Stay out of trouble.”

“I know.” you smiled and reassured him, getting up. “But trouble is always chasing me. Luckily, I can take care of myself. I’ll send you a message again.”

You were a few meters from the house until your phone rang. You answered as soon as you identified Lev’s number on the screen.

“Hey [Name], whatever you got yourself into, you need to stop.”

“Lev? Why are you saying this?” you stopped on your tracks and looked around nervously. In the first hours of the day there was no one on the streets, even though, you felt that someone was observing you. You touched the pistol just to feel somehow safer, but it wasn’t enough for you to stay calm. “Did something happen?”

“I don’t want the cocaine, it’s just not worth it.” he was breathing heavily, his voice was tremulous and he spoke quickly. _Something is wrong._ “You should leave it alone too.”

“Lev, what did you find out? Why are you so anxious? Tell me please!”

“There were some weird men here today, I’ve never saw them before. They were talking about how some guy that used to work on a pharmaceutical industry – I don’t remember the name – and was making a few researches on something called LTAN. I don’t know what it is, but”

Lev started whispering and you noticed how silent it was the background, how you could hear his steps, as if he was looking around and trying to move away from something.

“They were talking about that shooting on the store and about murder. [Name], what did you get involved with? Please, you need to stop looking for whatever this is. It’s dangerous, they said-”

The man couldn’t finish his sentence, there was _thump_ and then you heard someone screaming, was it Lev? You heart pounded and it was almost as you could hear it on your ear. Something was wrong, you could hear a lot of steps. More than one person. More steps and a muffled boom, was it a gunshot? _SHIT, LEV!_ You remained silent, ear glued to the cellphone speaker but without mumbling a single word, not allowing yourself to breath.

“Whoever you are, you should really hear your friend.”

You felt your whole-body freeze in an instant. Even if it had been years since you last heard that voice, you could still recognize it in the thousandth of a second. Your eyes widened, your hands and limbs started trembled and you had to lean on the wall not to fall. His voice carried so many memories and mixed feelings that you felt you could puke at any second and tried your best to held your ragged and harsh breaths.

_Lev, I’m sorry._

“If you keep minding business that aren’t your own, I’ll find you.”

You felt dizzy and for a second you were sure that man was right behind you, whisperering his threats at your ear, his hot breath licking your ear lobes. A smile on his lips, like nothing and no one could ever hurt him. You closed your eyes, feeling the drench on your skin, fingers curled into a fist and waited for what seemed like an eternity for him to end the sentence.

“And I’ll kill you, just like I did to your friend.”

A continuous beep reached your ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm not a native english-speaker, so you probably have encountered a few mistakes and weird sentences. Maybe you saw grammar mistakes and tense mistakes and I'm deeply sorry for that.
> 
> If you have suggestions or corrections to make about strange sentences and grammar in the story, please, let me know and I'll correct it immediately. It would help me improve my english and reach more readers.
> 
> Thank you so much for your time and I hope you enjoy reading this story as much as I'm enjoying writing it!


	6. is dying painful?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I do not breathe any longer. I don’t know whether I still have something to breathe with.
> 
> — Anna Swir

You stepped on the cellphone until you were out of breath. You kicked it and smashed it with all the strength you had, but it wasn’t enough to make your body stop shivering. You breathed deeply, trying to steady yourself. After so much time, it was impressive how his voice was enough to shaken you so much.

It didn’t matter anymore. He wasn’t next to you, but miles away; probably getting rid of Lev’s body so no one could discover what happened. To make sure no one knew he was looking for the drug. But why? How does he know about it and why does he want it? How did he discovered bout Lev? Could he track you?

_LTAN. Was this the name of a component? A place? The drug’s name? An abbreviation?_

You couldn’t think clearly. You could still hear his voice ringing on your ears. If you closed your eyes, you could feel his hands hovering your skin, grabbing and caressing; making you shiver and moan. You could feel pain due to the cold edge of his dagger cutting you, you could sense the blood dripping and adorning your skin.

_Ah, you still hunt my dreams and my nightmares, Oikawa Tooru. Will I ever be able to forget you?_

“I have a new clue.” you stated while opening your browser. Kageyama was on your side, untied, eyes glued to your screen. The search mechanism delivered 567,000 results in 0.73 seconds for your key-words.  “Have you ever heard of something called LTAN?”

Nothing was interesting. There were a few things about orbital mechanics, about the longitude of the ascending node, variation of local time, a few videos about flights and something related to an airport. Maps couldn’t find a location, so it probably wasn’t a place; no chemical results on google, so it probably wasn’t a component of the formula. What other options? _Think._

“It doesn’t sound strange to me.” Kageyama answered, eyebrows bowed and his face tensed in a funny way while he was thinking. “There was a time that I saw a few papers spread on my father’s office, but back then I couldn’t understand anything. I barely remembered this, but now that you said… It’s an abbreviation. But for what?”

“Was it written on the papers?”

“I don’t remember.”

“You better do.” you tried a few more search but they were all useless. “There’s one more thing. The person who went looking for your father… Was he a brunette guy? Brown eyes, spiked hair and that looks like a model? Around his mid-twenties.”

“What? No, it was an older guy, with glasses and shaved hair.” his dark eyes stared at you for a few minutes. “But I might know the guy you’re talking about. If it’s the one I’m thinking about he has a snub nose and is a little arrogant. I saw him once, talking with my father at the house gate and thought it was weird because as soon as he saw me, he left. When I questioned my father, he said it was only one of the neighbors, but he was obviously lying.”

“I can’t believe he really is involved in all this. Fuck!” you hit your fist on the table and cursed. Kageyama jumped back and shuffled with his words.

“Wait, do you know him?”

“It doesn’t matter anymore. Now we’re stuck in the middle of a war.” you clenched your fists and breathed heavily. “My boss won’t ever forgive us. Even if we give him all the info he wants, I got myself into something I was not supposed to. We know too much.”

Kageyama stayed silent. You could hear a drop hitting a surface, not really far from where you two were. The notebook screen showed the first page of an unsuccessful research. On the basement there was no window, but you knew that the sun was probably rising outside. How much time was left until you gave your last breath? You knew Daichi was coming. Ah, if only you knew that playing Kuroo’s mind games would take you here, you would’ve given Akaashi a piece of your mind. At least you could’ve fucked someone one last time.

“Can we… Escape?”

“I’m not this kind of person. I receive all the consequences of my actions. I won’t run.”

“Even if this costs your life?” you felt his piercing gaze on you, but you didn’t face him. You closed the notebook and smiled.

“It’s not like my life is _that_ worthy anyway.” you paused, inspecting the worn wall paint and wondering how many people had died here. How many people had lived here? How many of them were happy and how many were stuck on the same misery that was living, like you? You would never know the answer. “The world will be a better place once I’m gone.”

“Is it really okay to just give up?”

You turned your head abruptly, but he wasn’t looking at you. He was also inspecting the wall and you wondered what he was thinking. For a second you wished you could read his mind. Was he afraid of dying? Was he afraid of suffering? Maybe he wished he could have said goodbye to someone.

“There are a few things I still want to do.” he looked at you, and you held a stoic expression. “There was a party I promised to go with my friends, and a really nice girl I want to ask on a date. I stopped playing volleyball once I got into university, but I really want to play one more match. I wish I could eat pork curry with an egg on top and drink my favourite brand of milk. I want to find my father and understand why he did all he did.”

“[Name], do you still have things you want to do?”

_I can’t die yet. I want to find him. I want to kill him. I want him to suffer as much as I did._

“Our wishes are insignificant.” you ended the discussion with dead eyes. “There are no such things as hope when you’re lost in darkness.”

 

Daichi was smiling. A wide, terrifying smile. Even if you couldn’t see Kageyama, you could imagine his petrified expression in utter terror, body shaking. The man with brown hair was wearing a sharp-looking and well-fitted black suit, probably an Armani. Underneath, a long-sleeved blue shirt with a pinned collar and a red long tie. His usual knee-length black overcoat was sitting on the back of the leather chair.

You and Kageyama stood still before him like suspects being analyzed by the victim while he was comfortably sated on a stylish leather chair behind a beautiful wooden desk. Sugawara was standing right beside Daichi, but instead of smiling he was staring directly at you with a mixture of worry and reprimand.

“Is this all you have to tell me?” his grating voice resonated by the room, and even if everything about the situation made you tense, you answer was collected and calm.

“Yes sir.”

“Just tell me just one reason why I should let you live, [Name].” you saw how Sugawara flinched and felt Kageyama moving uncomfortably at your side. “You received confidential data and instead of contacting me, you went to a place you knew would be aimed, killed man you were not authorized to and brought a suspect person inside our safe house. Furthermore, you acted independently to obtain information and caused the death of a co-worker. Someone who wasn’t even involved in our affairs.”

Silence. There was nothing you could say to defend yourself, because you knew his words were the truth. You couldn’t refute because you knew you only did all of this due to your own curiosity and selfishness. It was wrong. You knew and you did anyway because that’s the kind of person you are. You destroy anything on your way to obtain what you want.

You know this. Daichi knows this. It’s your biggest quality and worst flaw.

“You know this could be considered as treason, don’t you?” he moved on his chair and for a second you lost your breath. Treachery was the worst thing someone on this world could do, something absolutely unforgivable and that lead to a death sentence, usually a cold-blooded shoot straight to the heart. Traitors bodies were burned instead of buried, names carved on the walls for no one to repeat those actions.

“Yes sir.”

“Why aren’t you defending yourself? Have you accepted your destiny?”

“From the moment I signed that contract with you, I accepted all your judgements and its consequences.” how calm could anyone be while waiting for the final verdict? Your voice didn’t tremble, your eyes never left Daichi’s smiling lips, your whole body didn’t move an inch for the exception of your lips. “I told you absolutely everything. I don’t intend to contest your judgement, sir.”

He stopped smiling and looked at the papers sitting on his desk. Kageyama’s red folder, the pile of papers with different workers from the pharmaceutical company, your notes about LTAN and Oikawa’s and Kuroo’s connection to it. He had absolutely everything you had gathered in this little amount of time. The only thing Daichi had brought with him was a file with Haiba Lev’s name on it, a photo of his soaked dead body with a hole on his head easily viewed by all of you.

“Face the other wall and stand on your knees, [Name].” his voice was clear and flat. You remembered the first time you saw each other, how he held a knife against your throat and with that same tone said you were welcome to join his people if you wanted to. Back then he had removed the knife as soon as you said yes, and Sugawara smiled reassuring you.

“Daichi-san…” you heard the white-haired man’s angelic voice. You were glad at least you would be able to hear it one last time.

_Back at that day, you were dirty, hurt, soaked in blood and full of bruises, but Sugawara offered you a hand to get up and Daichi apologized for the ‘little fight’ the two of you had, that it was only a test to evaluate your skills. Sugawara placed his overcoat on your shoulders and said ‘welcome’ so sweetly that you almost cried. It was one of the few times in your life you really felt needed._

You turned around, but not fast enough to miss Kageyama’s confused face. The boy moved a bit, but soon Sugawara was holding his arms and moving him away from you. He resisted, but his strength was nothing compared to the other man’s built and trained body. You got on your knees.

“Wait, what are you doing?” you heard Kageyama exclaiming and for a second felt pity for him. Such a sad destiny for someone that used to go to college and play volleyball. He knew happiness and had lost it. At least you couldn’t lose something you never had. “Please, don’t do this, it’s not her fault! Please!”

You felt the cold steel touching the skin on your back, a little close to your spine. You felt all the hair of your body raising when you heard Daichi pulling the safety lock of his gun off. Kageyama was still screaming and asking for your boss not to do this, please, to kill him instead.

_Why? Why do you so much to save me? Can’t you see? I don’t want to be saved, Kageyama._

_On your first day at the home base, they bought Chinese food. Once your few belongings were arranged on your new room and you were clean, everyone gathered around the table and attacked the white boxes._

_Daichi and Sugawara were calmly discussing the last hockey game while eating, Tsukishima was quietly paying attention to his food and Yamaguchi was shyly looking at you. Nishinoya and Tanaka were discussing something about the beautiful traits of someone called ‘Kiyoko’ and Hinata was sated beside you, telling all the member’s name and their favourite food. You stood awkwardly, not knowing what to do until Hinata took the last box of noodles and offered to you._

“ _Don’t worry, you’ll get used to us soon.” he smiled sweetly at you, and for a second you were sure that all of them were just friends gathering for a night to have some fun and talk. Not merciless rental killers, dealers and bosses of a giant and complex cocaine distribution._

“Please, don’t kill her…” this time Kageyama wasn’t struggling, demanding or offering himself. He was begging for your life. “Please, it wasn’t her fault.”

You closed your eyes. Where were the flashbacks everyone had when they were close to die? Why you couldn’t see your parents, the man who first offered you a gun, the man who you’re your virginity, the ones that laughed at you? Why Oikawa wasn’t on your imagination? Why you couldn’t remember those words someone told you after your first assassination?

_Ah, I want to remember._

Maybe the ones who were destined to hell didn’t deserve to have a look back on their lives.

_Only fair_.

Daichi pressed harder the tip of the gun on your skin, you could feel it on your ribs. How long did it take for him to pull the trigger? It seemed like a century for you.

_I don’t want to die yet._

You heard a deafening and buzzing sound.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By far, my favourite chapter.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed it too.


	7. finding the calm in the chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The thought of you calms the chaos in my mind.
> 
> — Peace At Last

You always thought dying would be painless. So why were you feeling an agonizing amount of pain? First there was a really loud noise and a strong impact that made you fall to the floor in a second, then there was numbness all over your lower right abdomen and a horrible and indescribable burning sensation. You felt an achy pain as well, and for a heavily second everything was gone, only to come back even more painful afterwards.

Your ears were ringing, your eyes turning in your orbits and you wanted to cough, but was trying really, really hard to keep breathing. You could hear someone screaming on the background, you knew that voice, didn’t you? Oh, it was burning so much. Burning and itching and poking like there was someone with a needle.

It took a moment for you to realize that your hand was holding the place where the pain was coming from. There was something stick, you wanted to know what it was, but the pain was so much you couldn’t focus on anything. There were thousands of stimuluses at the same time.

You could hear voices on the background. _Burning_. You tried to swallow to remove the bad iron taste on you mouth, but couldn’t. _Pain_. Your tried breathing through your nose, but you couldn’t, you puffed again and again and there was never enough air. _Itchy._ You felt the stick on your hands, and oh, it was probably blood. You had been shot, hadn’t you? Why you weren’t dead? _Please, just kill me. It hurts too much._

You opened your eyes. Your left cheek was pasted to the ground, and that stick thing was everywhere. Someone screamed. You saw a man getting close to you.

_Please, make it stop. I can’t take it anymore. I’m begging you, please._

You couldn’t speak, they were probably only mumbles from an almost dead delusional woman. Even though you couldn’t stop trying because you just wanted it to be over. The man approached more and you felt the burning sensation relieve a little.

“I won’t kill you this time.” who was he? You couldn’t remember, you didn’t _want_ to remember. Fuck him and his words, all you could think about was the pain. “You’ll live and suffer. You’ll clean all the mess you made. And if you ever act without my orders ever again…”

He grappled your hair, right next to the scalp, approximating your face to his. You felt a lot a pain from the way he pulled you hair, and the intensity of the burning only increased. You could see the blood on his hand. It was a mess. You were a mess. Why was he doing this to you?

“I’ll kill you in a much more painful way.” his fingers never left your hair, his eyes completely dull and he had such a terrifying expression that you almost cried. Why couldn’t you cry? It hurts. It is okay to cry when you’re hurt, right? _It’s burning, please help me._ “Are we understood?”

“Daichi-san, it’s enough. If you keep this, she’ll die from blood loss!”

“Are we understood, [Name]?” you wanted to answer. You wanted to tell him _yes, yes, yes, yes_ , but you couldn’t speak, you could barely breath. You tried moving your head and nod, and the pain was still there. It would never stop, would it? It burned and itched and ache and it was so numb. Maybe this was hell. You were finally there.

“Yes.” you finally replied and he let go of your hair. Your head hit the floor and suddenly all the sensations were slowly decreasing, and you started feeling cold. You were sleepy, and just wanted to let the darkness come in. No one was waiting for you anyway, right? It was okay to fade. You heard someone screaming your name.

 _Kageyama_ , _I can’t take it anymore._

You blacked out.

 

Ennoshita-sensei said you were delirious for at least 3 days and on the 4th, couldn’t remember who you were. Now, finally drinking the water that his nurse, Yachi, had offered, something made sense. You couldn’t remember much with the exception of your moments talking with Daichi at his office and a few flashes of pain, blood and his final words reverberating your mind.

 _I am alive_.

“What about…” you drank another cup of water. You throat felt dry, your lower abdomen was numb and all your body ached, you couldn’t move. “Kageyama? Is he… Alive?”

“Yes, at least for now. Yachi, tell him she’s awake, please.” the blonde girl shake her head and left the room. Your room, your bed, your roof. But there were a lot of medical stuff in it, including a needle perforating your skin that was probably providing you serum. “You had a hard time, I thought you wouldn’t survive the infection. I’m glad you’re as tough as a lion. “

You heard the door opening and saw the white-haired man enter. Yamaguchi raised himself from the seat next to your bed and left saying he was going to grab you some food. Sugawara silently sat down on your bed and touched your hand gently, but it only lasted a few seconds.

“How are you feeling?”

“As if I had crossed the gates of hell and somehow returned alive to tell the story.” you tried to raise yourself but moaned in pain; Sugawara held your waist – the place you weren’t shoot – and helped you sit.

“At least you are alive. Although you probably won’t be leaving this house for a few days.”

“Yes, I guess so.” you touched your belly, but didn’t feel anything. “How angry is Daichi-san?”

“Considering he almost took a piece of you with a shot? I would say pretty much.” he breathed heavily. “You know he had no choice, right? The fact you are alive means he actually cares a lot about you.”

“Cares so much that he almost killed me? I’m not sure I enjoy the way he feels about me.” you tried joking around, but the situation was too heavy for it. Sugawara didn’t laugh.

“He asked me to stay here to make sure you would be okay.” The two of you stared at each other for a few minutes in silence.

“Why he didn’t kill Kageyama?” you twisted the white sheet at your fingertips.

“He was going to.” Sugawara raised himself and pretended to look at the books at your shelf. “He begged for your life again and again. He offered himself to save you. After you were shot, he begged Daichi-san to save you, that he would do anything as long as you lived. You really got the boy at your fingertips. What kind of spell did you used?”

You stayed silent. You couldn’t understand why Kageyama wanted to save you so much. Was it because you had saved him? Because you gave him food and allowed him to stay without the moorings? Or maybe it was because of your answer when the two of you talked about dying?

“He said it was because you saved him when no one else could.” Sugawara took out one of your books and smoothed the cover before opening it and flip through the pages.  The Catcher in the Rye. “That’s a rare thing. Having so much loyalty from someone you met in less than 48 hours. He is different, you know that, don’t you?”

“Yes.” you whispered and replaced a lock of hair behind your ears. “That’s why Daichi didn’t kill him?”

“You know there’s no other virtue that Daichi appreciates more than loyalty.” he closed the book and placed where it was. “Of course, he failed the physical test. Now he has a really ugly purple eye and a lot of bruises on his body.”

“He failed the physical test?” it was almost as if there were gears moving and fitting into each other at your head. “Wait, you don’t mean that he-”

“He’s a part of us now.” you gulped, trying to adjust your thoughts. “He’s actually a fast learner and Yamaguchi said he has good aim; Hinata said he’s also good wielding a knife. However, Tsukishima is giving him a hard time with physical combat.”

“He doesn’t belong here, Sugawara.” You remembered his words, how he looked happy and satisfied talking about the things he still wanted to, how he had a gleam on his eyes. How he wanted to play volleyball again, and go on a date, and visit places. It wasn’t fair that he had to be stuck in a place like this. “He’ll die. He’s not the type of person that kills others. You _know_ this and Daichi _knows_ it too. What kind of game are you two playing?”

“You knew from the moment you brought him here that he was going to die.” the white-haired man bends down and looked at you. “You said you would accept the consequences of your actions, and he is one of them. Maybe he’ll die, maybe he won’t. Whatever happens, you are the only one to blame, [Name].”

You breathed heavily. He was right, as always. He ran his hand through his locks and for a second you were petrified, observing how beautiful and delicate his actions were, how beautiful the mole close to his eyes were. It was good to lose yourself on details like this when your mind didn’t want to think about anything.

“You weren’t like this. I thought you never cared about the blood you spilled or what happened to others, innocent or guilty, as long as you could get what you wanted. Why is this boy different?”

_I don’t know. Is he different to me? Would I cry if he died? All I know is that I don’t want him to._

_Why?_

His voice, your voice. You knew from the moment he spoke those words that an invisible thread had formed on your little finger and around his. You knew that after so many years running from connections, staying away from feelings, not feeling empathy for anyone or anything, it was a miracle that only a few words broke all your defenses.

 _I can’t die yet_.

“Because he said he still had something to do. That he couldn’t die yet.” you whispered, and Sugawara understood in an instant, smiling at you. He and Daichi knew everything about your past, things that not even you wanted to admit to yourself, and even so, they accepted you with open arms and smiles. Of course, nothing was ever free, but this was the best you knew.

“If he said so, then he won’t die until he has done what he needs to.” he got up and stroked your head, like an older brother.  You liked it, but would never admit to anyone. “But you can’t let him change who you are, [Name]. In this world, you need to protect yourself above anything else.”

“I know this.” you nipped and pulled his hand away with a lid, crossing your arms. “Nothing will change. Actually, you shouldn’t take serious someone who just woke up from a three-day delirium. Just forget what I said.” Sugawara laughed, and the sound was refreshing after the tense conversation.

“Good to have you back.”

Ennoshita came back with a tray and some food, and you realized you were actually a lot hungry. Behind him were Hinata and Yamaguchi that started filling you up with questions and statements and comments about so many things that you couldn’t follow them. Sugawara walked to the door and said you should eat and rest more and he would come back later to talk business.

You felt glad he gave you some time to digest the news and think about everything.

 

“Hey, you look horrible.” was your first statement when Kageyama entered your room on the next day. You had slept and eaten a lot, and was beginning to feel a little better; Ennoshita left saying that he would be back in a few days, but Yachi remained to help you with remedies and to change the serum when it was needed. The pain wasn’t completely gone as before – probably due to the stronger anesthetics they had applied when you were delirious - but it was manageable with the pills. “Can’t complain much, at least we are alive.”

“I guess so.” he answered and you stopped for a second, not knowing exactly what to say. He wasn’t your hostage anymore, he was a… A _colleague._ Kageyama probably felt your discomfort and tried to lessen the room’s heavy mood.

“I guess we’re kind of partners now? Sugawara-san said we’ll be working together with the LTAN case.”

“Case.” you laughed humorlessly. “You know we are not detectives, right?”

“I know.” he stared at his feet for a long time, pondering his next words. “It’s not your fault. I mean, the fact that I belong here now.”

“I never said it was.”

“Yeah, but when you look at me… I’m not sure if you just despise me completely or if you blame yourself for the fact that I’m alive and here. Guess I really hoped it was the second option.”

“It doesn’t matter.” you closed your eyes, not giving him an honest answer; some things were better unsaid. Sugawara was right, you couldn’t change because of him, you couldn’t allow whatever _empathy_ or sense of similarity that existed between the two of you grow, or that would be the death of you. “Forget what happened before and focus on learn everything you can if you want to remain alive in this branch.”

“Yamaguchi said you were the best shooter here, that if you were healthy you probably would be the one teaching me.”

“Maybe I can help you once I’m 100% okay again. If you buy me some cigarettes of course, you should know that nothing here comes for free.”

“Yeah, I kind of already own a lot to Yamaguchi, Hinata and Tsukishima even if I’m completely broke.” realizing you weren’t as bitter as before, he sat on the chair next to your bed. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m in a bit of pain, but I’ll be better soon. Don’t make such a sad face, it’s actually a miracle I had never been shot before, considering everything I do.”

“Did it hurt? You didn’t scream when you were shot, but you seemed to be in a lot of pain. And on the others days you were mumbling a lot of nonsense things. I was really afraid you were going to die.”

“I’m not weak, you should learn this as fast as you can.” you took the glass of water on the table next to you and drank it. “And you shouldn’t sneak on a girl’s bedroom when she’s sick and delirious. It’s disrespectful.”

His cheeks immediately turned pink and you only laughed discreetly while he mumbled that it wasn’t his intention to sneak on you, that he was worried but no one allowed him to enter your room, and he was always occupied with the training and had no other time to come than the night. You also heard him say something related to Ennoshita’s broken promise and allowed yourself to smile a little.

 _Times of peace before another storm_ , you told yourself. _Let him enjoy it while he can, before drowning on the sea of blood this world is._

You returned the glass to the table, settled more comfortably on the bed and heard Kageyama mumble about his day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to post this chapter, my classes are back and I have a reader's block.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it!


	8. a false couple lost underground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She woke up, tear stained, covered in glitter and regrets.
> 
> — Unknown.

“I don’t want to use those fucking nicotine patches instead of smoking.” you stated as soon as Yachi proclaimed you couldn’t smoke for a while. “I’ll die anyway, so why should I care about my lungs?”

Of course, you had to listen to a 30-minute speech about how you should look out for your health, exercise regularly, eat fruits and vegetables and stay away from drinks, cigarettes and drugs. Oh, and you also had to listen about the after effects and dangers of using cocaine since Ennoshita had found out the plastic bag hidden on your bra when preparing you for the surgery. Luckily, you had told Daichi the reason you had bought it, so you wouldn’t be getting into more problems for now.

“So, I’ll give the orders now because I have to leave soon.” Sugawara said as rapidly as you were able to walk to the living room. It was a rare occasion, since everyone (Hinata, Yamaguchi, Tanaka, Nishinoya, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, you and the new member - Kageyama) were comfortably spread out on the sofas and chairs during what was supposed to be a busy Tuesday.

“Daichi doesn’t have much information, and to be sincere until you and Kageyama talked to him, he didn’t even know about the drug’s name. What we know is that a few years ago someone started providing money for a research using ghosts companies and charity centers, with a intricated, well designed and complex transfer money scheme; of course, there are no evidences.

Somehow, around 6 months ago rumors began to circulate about this new drug, they said it was something tougher, a narcotic stronger than cocaine and LSD but that somehow, didn’t have so many side effects on the addicts. That the use of this drug could happen for years routinely before killing the drug user.

Of course, as soon as those people on top of the traffic deals heard about it, they went crazy. Can you imagine how much more profit a drug user can generate if he lives longer? That’s how everything began.

I believe Oikawa wants to have the monopoly of this new drug. Ever since he left Shiratorizawa’s gang he’s having a hard time trying to establish a territory and an area for him to work with his merchandise. This new drug would save him a lot of work and deals. On the contrary, Kuroo is the only cocaine provider for Tokyo and Miyagi. If Oikawa gets the formula, there are high chances Kuroo might loses his position.

I know getting information about all this will be hard, and that’s why Daichi wanted everybody to know, even if Kageyama, [Name] and Tsukishima are the only ones directly responsible for it. If anyone hears something from the streets, we need you to tell them about it.”

“Wait, Tsukishima too?” you exclaimed, but you the only one surprised.

“Yes, you wanting or not, you’re still not in your perfect conditions yet and Kageyama is just a beginner. It would be reckless to send the two of you to take care of something so dangerous.”

“You have a problem with me?” Tsukishima’s gravelly voiced reached your ears only to make you annoyed. “I'd be careful if I were you before going complaining to Daichi. He might actually kill you this time.”

“Don’t fall for his taunts, [Name].” Nishinoya began talking while attacking a pack of snacks. “You know he only does this to annoy you.”

“I’m _really_ expecting the two of you to stop bickering while working on this.” Sugawara stated, hands on his waist. “I believe no one wants to see Daichi really angry, _do you_?”

There was a one-minute tense silence while everybody shivered with memories of an angry Daichi; mostly you, feeling cold and terrified remembering the way he grabbed your hair while you were almost fainting from blood loss. His frightening face and emotionless words, waiting for an answer while you begged for your own death on your mind.

“But why aren’t Kuroo and Oikawa behind the one who financed all the research? It doesn’t make sense.” Hinata was the first one to break the silence. “He’s probably the one with the formula. Why look for Kageyama?”

“We don’t know this yet…”

“Unless the financer is dead.” Yamaguchi added. “Or I don’t know, somehow they know that he doesn’t have the formula.”

“Maybe they are just following everyone that has a minimal connection to all of this.” Tsukishima said while staring at his nails, not very concerned about the discussion.

“Kuroo might be, but Oikawa doesn’t have that much resources to waste.” you refuted, but this time the blonde did not try to make a sarcastic rejoinder.

“What if it was stolen?” Tanaka suggested while holding a half-empty bottle of beer. “I mean, that’s pretty common to happen in any business area, right?”

“Something like that couldn’t be easily stolen. The guy was probably working on a super secret and very well-equipped underground laboratory or something.” Sugawara opined.

“Like those from movies with hundreds of security levels and laser bands to avoid intruders?” Hinata eyes were glowing while imagining the place, and everyone just ignored him since you all were used to it by now. Kageyama had a funny and puzzled look on his face while staring the ginger. “I’m sure they are like gwah and puaw! So cool!”

“He definitely didn’t work alone. Usual drugs take decades or even more to be produced. It took him how long to produce it? Two years? It must have been a gigantic investment, with many people working on it.” you said while trying to get more comfortable, feeling your abdomen scratch.

“Anyone working there must have been strictly researched and tested before attending. And since its illegal things we are talking about, anyone suspected would have been killed in seconds or less.” Tsukishima was the one to reply you this time. 

“Any human system is error prone. I believe this is a possibility. It makes sense for them to believe Kageyama was working with his father and, for some reason, betrayed him and ran away with the formula.”

Everyone stared at the boy as soon as you finished your sentence. You knew no one trusted him yet, just like once they hadn’t trusted you. This was something you couldn’t change, he would have to earn his trust. Sugawara breathed heavily and started talking again.

“Those are all assumptions and we can only work once we have real info. Oh, I almost forgot, Kiyoko will be available anytime you need and she’ll put your requests first. Reach her when you need. Me and Daichi will get in touch from time to time to hear from you.”

It seemed like the meeting was over. Everyone started leaving, talking unconcernedly as they went about their business. But you had many questions haunting your thoughts.  How did Oikawa know Lev was listening to his talk at the pub? How did he know the person on the phone was minding his drug affairs? And how Bokuto and his ‘gun talk’ with Kuroo were related to all of this?

“You two will get wrinkles soon if you keep doing this face for so long.” Hinata said while smiling at you and Kageyama. You were glad he always offered help to move you around, even taking food to you sometimes. Of course, he always said you owned him quite a lot by now. “Need help getting back to your room?”

“I can help too, if you need.” Kageyama eagerly told you.

“I appreciate, but I rather stay here a little bit longer. It is tiresome to stay in that stuffy bedroom for so long. Thank you thought.”

“Yeah.” for a few seconds you felt like Hinata was a bit uncomfortable with Kageyama’s presence, but took it as your imagination. “See you later then.” Hinata said and left. Kageyama stayed on your side, but didn’t dare to move closer.

“It’s real now, isn’t it?” he asked, observing his fingers opening and closing, avoiding your look.

“I don’t have any motivation quotes, if that’s what you are expecting. I won’t tell everything will be okay.” a short pause to breathe deeply. “This life is pretty shit. As soon as you get used to it, the better is.”

“I thought you said you didn’t have quotes to offer me.”

“Shut up.”

It took you around a week to be back on your tracks again. Of course, now you held a pretty nasty scar on your right lower abdomen and you probably would feel a little self-conscious going to the beach with a bikini. _Ha_ , as if you ever had time to go to the beach or actually worry about your physical appearance instead of worrying about your life.

You woke up fluttered with one of your cellphones ringing at midnight thirty. You were almost completely healed, with the exception of still having to take the antibiotics and a gauze covering your scar. You immediately recognized Kiyoko’s number and answered it, her calming and silvery voice as always greeting you and asking about your health. As soon as you replied she started talking business.

“I heard there’ll be a party tonight. I’m sending you the location.” you heard the ‘ _bip’_ of a notification. “Apparently there’ll be a few Shiratorizawa guys there. I thought maybe you guys would be interest in taking a look.”

“You are the best Kiyoko, I’ll head there with Kageyama and Tsukishima. It’s our first clue in a few days.” you could hear the woman typing quickly through the call, she was a workaholic.

“You should stay low-key. I don’t think they will be happy to see you after the tobacco store incident.”

“Don’t worry.” you smiled while taking off your shorts and opening your wardrobe’s door to reach a red leather pants and your thigh-high boots. “We won’t be kill-joys, just young adults looking for some fun at a Saturday night.”

 

“So, they are having an underground party in old train cars in the middle of an abandoned subway station?” Kageyama asked while you jumped a yellow stripe saying “no trespassing” and reached a really old and dirty set of stairs. There were old newspapers, broken glass bottles, empty cigarette packs, and even some used condoms on the floor.

“It’s actually a pretty cool place for parties.” you said with hands hidden on your black jacket pockets and chewing a gun. “Bribe a few cops to close their eyes and you’ll have a good place for drug trading, drinking, prostitution, getting high and hearing good music. I actually enjoy them when I don’t have work to do.”

“Chill out or they will suspect us.” Tsukishima told Kageyama. Your feet were the only sound when you reached the platform, and you saw a pretty neon flashy arrow showing you would’ve to walk to reach the destination. There was a faint sound of electronic music and you realized a group of people a few meters ahead smoking, drinking and laughing. “We’ll have to get down to the rails.”

“Isn’t dangerous?”

“Quite a lot.” You answered in a singsong tone, balancing and taking the leap to jump from the edge of the platform. Tsukishima came right behind you, but Kageyama hesitated, analysing the distance and you laughed at him. “Are you afraid of heights? Come on, you won’t break your neck jumping from there.”

“Such a coward, if you can’t jump, then you should go home. You’ll only get on our way.” Kageyama scowled at the blonde’s word, but jumped a bit clumsily. “Let’s go.”

You took one of your cigarette packets out of your pocket and offered it to Tsukishima, who accepted it. When you did the same with Kageyama, he pulled back and said he did not smoke.

“Take it anyway. We don’t have drinks, it’ll be weird if we are empty handed. Have you brought some cocaine, Tsukishima? We might need it to get in.”

“Yes.” He lighted his cigarette and offered you the lighter.

Your steps echoed on the darkness as well as Kageyama's coughs when he tried the cigarette for the first few times, making you and Tsukishima laugh. White smoke formed around the three of you in the barely lit tunnel, hemmed in by the perfect arching sandstone walls adorned with several metal pipes, sometimes giving a claustrophobic sensation.

A bit far you could see the lights and people, the beat of the music getting louder and louder, your heart pounding with excitement. You held Kageyama’s tense shoulders and massaged them, whispering on his ears.

“Breath and smile, imagine you are going to a college house party. We can’t afford to stay out of this, so put your hands here” you positioned them pretty low on your hips. “and pretend we’re a very modern couple looking for some exotic fun, okay?”

“Do you really think that it would be enough to deceive them?” Tsukishima asked looking at how the two of you.

“Jealous, _Tsukki_?”

“Like anyone could feel jealous of someone like _you_.”

“Don’t worry.” you squeezed Kageyama’s shoulder and winked. “If it’s not enough I can always use my _femme fatale_ charm to get in.”

“Hey” Tsukishima said when you encountered the people near metal bars that separated the rest of the tunnel from the party. He took the plastic bag with the white powder and handed the man dressed in black with piercings on his face, saying the password that Kiyoko had shared earlier. It was actually pretty easy to get in.

The music was so loud that your skin tingle, it was like the floor was rattling. There was dry-ice smoke swirling the blues, acid greens, hot pinks and gold neon lights that flashed everywhere like police sirens, but much more colourful. There were people everywhere, almost no room to move around, most of them smoking and drinking while jiving, twisting, turning and grinning like idiots to the music’s beat.

You could see the sweat forming on their foreheads, running down their cheeks and shining like their skin was bathed in tiny diamonds. A few couples were kissing each other on the middle of the dance floor, hands roaming all over, bodies so glued together it was like no one could break them apart. You smiled and looked at Tsukishima; Kageyama held your body close to his like a child afraid of getting lost.

“If I find any of them, I’ll take him somewhere more private.” you almost screamed at Tsukishima’s ear, trying to be louder than the music. “Can you find me here in an hour?”

“Yes, but take Kageyama with you.” he answered. “I’m not babysitting.”

“Whatever, just do what the fuck you need to do. I’ll find a way to seduce them while babysitting.”

“Tch.”

In seconds he was swallowed by the multitude of bodies. You knew he could take care of himself. The big problem would be finding one of those purple jacketed assholes in the middle of the crowd and make them vulnerable enough to be dragged by you into a discreet corner, where you could torture for info. All this while watching out for Kageyama, who was observing at everything around him like he was stuck in a trance.

_Poor kid lost in so much sin._

You grabbed his hands to make sure you two wouldn’t lose each other, and he woke up, almost despairing when he saw that Tsukishima was no longer around. You assured him it was okay and commanded to keep his eyes open for anyone wearing a purple jacket.

“And let’s really hope he’s interested in participating in a _ménage à trois_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yesterday I read this awesome quote: 
> 
> "You have no idea how many people lurk your work, or how many people go back to revisit your story, how big they smile, how fast their heart beats and how excited they get when they see that you posted something. People are shy at their feedback. So, even if you barely have kudos or bookmarks (I adapted it to this website), don't get discouraged. You have a lot of silent fans, and there is always someone out there who will love what you have made."
> 
> So I just wanted to spend a few seconds of your time, saying thank you. For absolutely everyone that spent time reading my word, leaving kudos, comments and bookmarking. But I also want to shout out a 'thank you' for all my silent readers. I love you all and I really hope that I'm somehow making your hearts beat faster!
> 
> Thank you so much <3


	9. torture, missing fingers and a purple jacket

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That was the problem: I loved you too much. I thought of you too much. The memories of you are shattering the life out of me.
> 
> — Juansen Dizon, September Flashbacks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for some Oikawa flashbacks.

It was electrifying, thrilling, wild.

The electronic music was loud and you danced to the beat, dragging Kageyama with you. Most people held bottles of beer and other alcoholic drinks in their hands while moving reckless to the sound, while you tried to walk around the crowd, but always ended up bumping into everyone and bathed with lost droplets of alcohol.

Soon you were stinking and feeling gooey, but that didn’t stop you from keep moving. It was so hot you wished you could take your jacket off, but it would be too reckless when your knife was well-kept there. You could see a few girls and boys taking their shirts off and rolling them in the air while laughing.

There were a few people in clusters, most of them next to the walls, making out, drinking or using drugs. Sometimes an occasional drunk stumbled in you and tried to start an awkward and confusing conversation, to which you just ignored and kept your way. Many different lights blinded you and made it harder to reach the center of the crowd; looking up you could see a stage and a few cages where almost naked man and woman danced wildly.

Music, people, voices, dry-ice, smoke, the smell of pot, lights. You wish you were high, and not looking for someone on that endless mass of people. For a second you felt everything around slowing down, was it because of the music? No, the group of people next to you were dancing in slow motion. Why? You were not on the effect of any drugs. Not yet, at least.

You remembered the first time Oikawa brought you to one of these places.

At the time you two stole a Land Rover and he drove for at least 3 hours on a completely empty road, rock musing blasting the speakers throughout all the way. You remember his animated voice telling you about this abandoned place in a tiny city were thousands of people reunited for at least 3 nights of complete madness. Of course, you two would only be able to stay for a few hours since you had sneaked out, but it would be a unique experience.

You were sixteen, but Oikawa caressed your waist and said he would never let anything bad happen, so you just held your tongue out and accepted when he happily placed a small square of paper on it. It was your first-time using LSD, and he kissed you so many times and whispered on your ears that it would feel _so_ amazing, that you believe him.

_You always believed him._

Even now, you couldn’t remember very well how you had spent all those hours on that crazy camp. When trying to remember, all you had were a few flashes of people holding, kissing and touching you; man, and women you didn’t know. You remembered how soft the floor felt, and how you believed the sky had an amazing purple colour and you never wanted that overwhelming good feeling to be over.

Most of all, you remembered how ethereal Oikawa looked with all those lights and people around him. You remembered how his eyes glowed and how sweet his tongue felt while exploring every inch of your mouth. His hair sometimes turned red and green and blue and you sang to him an excerpt from one of your favorite songs, one he definitely didn’t know.

_Everything is blue. Your hair, your smoke, your dreams._

If you were focused enough, you could still feel his hands grabbing your breasts, the grass pinning your back, how you saw a rainbow forming on your eyes when he caressed your legs and kissed your belly, leaving little purple marks all over your skin. You were so high; all your senses were sharp and sensible; the way he touched everywhere, the way he slid in and out of you creating waves of pleasure that spread all over your body. You cried and called his name, feeling earthquakes of pure ecstasy while begging him to keep going until you forgot your own name.

He made you come so many times you cried of pure pleasure.

The only memory that wasn’t a flash was how his face contorted beautifully when he laughed afterwards, how he lied on the valley of your breasts and whispered to you with a guttural and weak voice due to fatigue.

**_“You feel like home.”_ **

****

Someone was calling you. _Wait, where were you again?_ _This isn’t Oikawa’s voice._

The electronic music, people around, voices and smoke. Kageyama was in front of you, shaking your shoulders. His lips were moving, but you couldn’t focus on his words and your vision was blurred, like you needed glasses. How long were you lost in memories? Memories that should be locked in the farthest part of your brain, memories you promised to never ever visit again.

“Hey, I think I saw one of them.” finally you could understand Kageyama’s words, and realized he was pointing towards a red-haired man with Shiratorizawa’s purple jacket, who was already moving and being lost in the crowd. “Shouldn’t we go after him?”

“Not him.” you said in a voice that gave no room for questions. “But if he’s here it means there are others not far away. Let’s find them.”

“Wait, are you okay? You seemed out for a few minutes.”

“Don’t ask, let’s just do what we came here for. Now.” the two of you wondered around for a few more minutes, and you were cursing everyone when you saw another man wearing the stupid purple jacket.

You practically threw himself on the man, pressing your breasts firmly into his back and smiling maliciously when he turned around. He had beautiful brownish eyes and his copper-colored hair was parted unevenly in two sides; he was relatively low compared to Kageyama, who was stiffly standing at your side. You touched his chest and realized he was slightly drunk, but not enough to stumble on his words.

“Hi there, handsome.” you blinked and he raised an eyebrow at you. “Looking for some fun?”

“Not really interested.” he answered, taking a sip of his beer and offending you with his disinterested gaze. You felt like punching him, but just lowered the zipper of your jacket, allowing him to take a look at your sensual red and black lacy bra.

“Are you sure?” you bite your lip and held Kageyama’s hand. “Me and my friend are actually interest in trying a few new things. Don’t want to join us?”

He eyed Kageyama for a few seconds before smiling. You had to held an envious remark that stayed on the tip of your tongue. You were cruelly rejected while Kageyama seduced your prey without even trying.

“Are you up for _everything?_ ” he lowered his eyes to you, finally closing the distance between your bodies and grabbing your ass cheek.

“ _Anything_ as long as this night is memorable, right baby?” your hands traveled to Kageyama’s chest and you almost laughed at his desperate gaze. “Let’s go somewhere less crowded, so we can start?”

“Sure.” He threw the bottle he held on the floor and grabbed you and Kageyama by the hands, easily walking through the crowd, like the jacket he wore had an invisible importance and no one dared to cross his path.

 

It was definitely less crowded, but it wasn’t exactly the place you would’ve chose to have sex, although considering that you were in a subway tunnel, you could not expect too much. It was relatively far from the people dancing and you could see a lot of couples next to the walls moaning and moving suggestively, but it wasn’t pleasant for you to watch.

Shirabu, at least that was what he called himself, pressed you against the wall and started kissing your neck hungerly while Kageyama stood still, observing the two of you and not knowing what to do.

You held the man’s neck with one hand and pretended to moan while gesticulating for Kageyama to come closer. Since you had told the Shirabu that your friend was shy, he had chosen a part of the tunnel that entered a bit, creating a semi-detour where the others couples could not see you. A big advantage considering your plans.

“Aren’t you joining?” the green-eyed man asked Kageyama suspiciously.

“He’s just shy.” you laughed and started unzipping your jacket. “Can you believe he was seventeen when he touched a girl’s boobs for the first time?”

“You are kidding right?” Shirabu and you laughed loudly, Kageyama approached you with reddish cheeks.

“Don’t worry, you can touch my boobs. That’s what we came here for, wasn’t it?”

“I can do much more.” his eyes turned dark when he gazed at the two of you, and you raised an eyebrow at him, a confused smile on your lips. Shirabu smiled widely when he saw how Kageyama sucked the skin of your right breast, strolling through several different regions, leaving little red marks behind. You moaned in delight, not faking this time.

“That’s a pretty skilled tongue you have there.” he said while observing the two of you.

“My tongue is not the only skilled part I have.”

“Have you seen his fingers?” you smiled archly at Shirabu. “He told me he used to be a setter when he was in high school. I’m pretty curious to know how _good_ he really was. But I’m also good at a _few_ things. Why don’t you allow me to show you?” you pushed Kageyama away for a few seconds and stopped in front of Shirabu, getting on your knees. “Let’s have a lot of fun today, _okay?”_

He didn’t have time to stop your hands once you grabbed the gun placed on his belt. In a second you were pointing to his chin and Kageyama tied his hands with a rope. It was your time to smile widely while his brownish eyes turned into fury.

“You little whore, how dare you? Have you any idea what kind of mess you’re getting yourself into?”

“I didn’t want to be in this situation. But due to the currently circumstances, I can’t afford to let you go. I need information.”

“You think I’ll really tell you anything? You can kill me, there’s nothing to me to say.”

“We’ll see about it.” you gave the gun to Kageyama that kept pointing towards Shirabu’s chin, and you took the knife from your jacket. “How many fingers do you think you can lose before telling us what we want?”

“You can do what you want. I won’t tell anything.”

“Here’s the point.” you grabbed Shirabu’s hair and pulled down hard, putting your knife gently on his throat. You knew Kageyama was tense, but his features were cold as if he knew exactly what he was doing. “I know that people like you from Shiratorizawa can’t stand torture. You are not trained to handle the pain. So, we can do the easy way: you tell me what I want to know.” You paused and whispered to his ear. “Or we can do the hard way: where you’ll lose a few fingers and maybe your balls, and then, you'll tell me what I want to know.”

“Go fuck yourself, you son of a bitch.”

“Maybe I’ll cut your tongue when I’m done.” you positioned a cloth on his mouth and cut his right thumb without hesitation. He trembled and screamed, but no one could hear him because of the loud music. You saw how Kageyama breath changed slightly, you didn’t have much time before Shirabu realized that the man with the gun probably wouldn’t be courageous enough to shoot him. “If you want to tell me something, just shake your head and I’ll stop cutting your fingers, okay?”

The next one was his index finger, the blood was starting to pool next to your shoes, but you didn’t mind. It was easy doing this when you didn’t have to listen the screams, but at the same time it was kind of boring. You cut his middle finger too before he started shaking his head. You smiled and took the cloth from his mouth.

“What… What you want to know?” he was breathing rapidly, much sweat forming on his forehead and neck.

“What do you know about LTNA?”

“What? I don’t know about anything!” you pressed his ring finger and he started talking again. “Okay, okay! The drug right? That’s what you want to know?”

“Yes. Tell me everything you know right now or I’ll make sure you lose all your right-hand fingers.”

“Everybody is looking for the drug.” He breathed deeply and for a second you thought he would faint, but he kept his posture. “Ushijima paid for it for the last few years, but something happened and the formula was gone, no one knows exactly why. We are looking for every single person that was involved on this for the last years, but its hard to find clues. All we know is that the formula and the creator vanished completely.”

“Why did you come here tonight?”

“There’s a guy here. Someone who worked at the laboratory.” he shivered and got unbalanced, but you held his arms firmly. Kageyama stoic expression wouldn’t last long, you could see the fingers that held the gun not so stable anymore. “My partner was responsible for getting him and discovering about the others, I just came to have fun, I swear.”

_I don’t have much time. If Shirabu realizes Kageyama hesitating we’ll end up dead._

“How is Oikawa related to all of this?”

“What do you mean? Oikawa? Is this the guy who left Shiratorizawa to create another gang? I don’t know anything relating him and the drug, I swear!”

_One last question._

“Why you went to that Tobacco store? What were you looking for?”

“I heard they were looking for the creator’s son, something about him having the formula. But something happened and we fell on a trap. A fucking bastard killed 4 of us.” He paused for a second. “Wait, if you know about this… And you know about Oikawa too, are you-?”

Your knife reached his throat before he could finish the sentence. Kageyama barely had time to pull away to keep the blood from flowing into his clothing. You took a few steps back only to avoid the body from reaching you as it fell to the floor. The red puddle almost reached your shoes. Kageyama held his hands in front of his mouth, probably trying to keep him from throwing up with the scene. You cleaned your knife with a piece of cloth, gazing the body with contempt.

“Let’s go, we have to met Tsukishima.”

Kageyama was glad to leave, but you looked at the purple jacket for a few more seconds.

 It was the same jacket Oikawa wore on the day you two went to that party. It was the same jacket he hanged around your body on the long trip back, when you were too cold and tired to talk to him. When you slept on the passenger’s seat and said for the first time you loved him.

Now Shirabu’s jacket was stained in blood.

You wondered how Oikawa’s jacket looked like when he decided to leave Shiratorizawa.

For a second you wished it was stained in blood too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life at college is hard. Please, forgive my irregular posts, I'm doing the best I can.
> 
> Again, thank you for your patience and hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	10. should you eat pancakes or pizza after a murder?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anything you avoid in life will come back, over and over again, until you’re willing to face it—to look deeply into its true nature.
> 
> — Adyashanti

“We have to go, _now!”_ you barely had time to breath, because as soon as you reached the place you and Tsukishima had agreed to meet, he grabbed your arms and almost dragged you towards the exit.

“What happened?”

“I think someone noticed I was spying. He might be after me.” Tsukishima was tense and you realized that something was wrong.

“Let’s go.” In instants the three of you were trying to run as discreetly as possible, always looking behind for someone behind.

Luckily you reached the platform without noticing anyone, and as soon as you all touched the stairs to go back to the surface, you all ran to get to the car and disappear. A shiver ran your spine as soon as Tsukishima accelerated to turn the first corner, and you saw a red-haired figure standing next to the wall.

_No, it can’t be him. He was on the subway and he wasn’t following us._

But you knew it was him. Tendou Satori, one of Shiratorizawa’s most dangerous man.

_A man who, a long time ago, had taught you how to shoot._

“They know.” you whispered silently and Tsukishima punched the steering wheel, cursing so many profanities that you weren’t sure if he was breathing. “How?”

“One of the guys from Shiratorizawa was conducting an interrogation. I was hiding and listening, but I had to be close because the damn music was too loud. Things got nasty and the man being tortured screamed for help and looked at my direction. I barely had time to escape.”

“Please, tell me you gathered some information. The guy that I got only told me his partner was there to get a dude who used to work at the laboratory. He had nothing useful, he was only there for fun.”

“Manabu Naoi. He was one of the chemists, he ended dropping a few co-worker’s names. Write them down and we will send it to Kiyoko.” you took your phone and did as he told you. Tsukishima was back to his normal coldness and Kageyama was quiet in the back seat. “He said he had no direct contact with the project director. Each person was responsible for only a part of work and research, and they all were divided into several departments. The only one who knew all was the director, probably Kageyama’s father.”

“Did you find out something about the day the drug disappeared?” you asked him. After the darkness of the night, the dawn’s light was welcoming. Tsukishima’s gaze not even once left the road in front of him, and looking at him so peaceful almost made you forget about how dangerous the situation you were involved.

“Didn’t have time for it.” he stayed quiet for a few minutes. “It’s a matter of time. We have to find these co-workers before they do.”

“And escape before they find us.” you whispered and gave a sidelong glance at the back seat. Kageyama was sleeping heavily, his head leaning against the glass; you didn’t know if due to all the exhaustion of the situation or if it was simply because it was much easier for him to close his eyes and pretend that none of this had happened. “Let’s grab something to eat while Kiyoko looks for the names. We might have to hit the road soon.”

“Okay.”

It was one of the few times Tsukishima agreed with you without complaining. For a second you thought about saying that being caught wasn’t exactly his fault, but you knew that this comment would probably only start another fight, so you stayed quiet. You were too tired too deal with him right now, so you closed your eyes and turned the radio on, allowing the hard rock song to invade your thoughts.

 

“How you do that?”

“Pancakes? I’m pretty sure you use some flour, sugar and-”

“That’s not what I’m talking about.” Kageyama pushed the untouched food plate away from him while you happily chewed your pancakes. “How can you just come here and eat after… Everything?”

“It could be worst. We could have taken you to eat pizza. Tomato sauce would never look the same for you.”

_Like that person did with me after the first time I had to kill someone._

“Nothing will never taste the same.”

“You’ll eat later, when you get hungry.” you grabbed his plate and started to eat his pancakes, with the same appetite as ever. His blues eyes were glued to his own hands, his fingers still trembling. “If you want an easy and philosophical answer, you should try google. I don’t have it.”

“How can you be so used to it? It doesn’t affect you at all to know that he is-”

“Not really. When you grow up in a place like I did, things like this are typical.”

Kageyama stared at you for a few minutes in silence. You knew he was confused, but there was still space for him to feel pity, something that annoyed you. You speared the pancake and chewed angrily at him for looking at you like this, and angry at you for sharing something so personal.

“How long? How long since you first, you know, did that to someone?”

“You’re quite bold, huh?” you smiled mischievously at him. “My first time was actually really pleasurable; his dick was quite long and-”

“You know that’s not what I’m talking about!” you laughed hard at how red his face was, and how annoyed he seemed at your comment.

The truth was that you didn’t want to talk about it. You didn’t want him to know how dark and bloody your past was. For a second you imagine how he would react if he knew you were only eleven years when you first killed someone. Would the pity on his eyes increase? Or would he be afraid of you? If he knew you could coldly murder a lot of people for no reason, would he get away from you?

_Why am I so interested in his reactions?_

_Because he is innocent._ a voice answered from the deepest parts of your mind. _And you want to ruin his innocence, just like all those people did to you. You want to see each and every of his expressions as all of his ethics and morals come crumbling down._

_You want to devour him whole, until he doesn’t have any kindness left._

_You will ruin him, like you to do everything you touch._

_I know_ , you answered the voice. _Is that so wrong?_

“Will I ever get used to doing this someday?”

“It’s a slow process.” you answered calmly, ignoring your own thoughts. “Nothing is completely right or wrong in this world, you know? Everyone does exactly what they need to remain alive. That’s how humans are.”

“Is it worth it? To hurt so many people only to remain alive?”

You stayed silent. That was a question that each person had a different answer to. Sometimes the same person would answer differently depending on which part of her life she was living. When you were younger you would’ve said no, but now…

_You don’t hurt people because you need it. You hurt them because you like it._

You hated that voice, but you couldn’t avoid it.

“Am I disturbing the romantic mood?” Tsukishima’s voice stole you from your thoughts. He was holding a coffee can and a newspaper.

“There’s no romantic mood.” Kageyama complained.

“Already told everything to Sugawara. He said Kiyoko will contact us soon with a few addresses. He also said that considering they know Tokyo better than us, we should stay out of sight.”

“Guess this is our clue to leave?” you asked him while sliding out of your seat. You took your wallet and handed Kageyama the money. “Can you pay it while I go to the bathroom?”

“Sure. Meet you in the car?”

“Yeah, I just need to wash my face.”

The restaurant’s bathroom wasn’t pleasant at all, the floor was dirty and a lot of used towels were flowing out of the trash can, almost as if no one had cleaned the place for a while. You breathed heavily looking at yourself in the stained mirror. You had dark bags under your eyes and your hair was a mess in what used to be a braid; you tried your best to fix it, but soon gave up. You washed your face, but felt something touching your back.

“You should really check the booths before getting so comfortable and vulnerable, [Name].” your eyes met Tendou’s black ones through the mirror. He wore a sarcastic smile. “Don’t worry, I’m not here to kill you. You know Ushijima would slay me if I did it. It’s just a nice talk.”

“Then why are you still pointing the gun to me?”

“I’m not crazy enough to stay in a room with you unarmed.” he laughed. “After all, you used to be one of our best.”

“Are you here to talk about our _wonderful_ old memories together, Satori?” you turned around and he held the gun to your stomach. Your back was supported by the sink and your hands were visible to him, showing you had no intention to grab your knifes or your gun. “I have better things to do.”

“Like spy on our guys? I have to admit, it was pretty bold of your friend.” he slid the muzzle of the gun down your belly, moving the fabric of your blouse up and exposing your skin. “Much bolder of you to kill one of ours.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Ushijima may like you, but he won’t stand still while you kill our people.” Satori found the gauze you covering your stiches, result of Daichi’s fury, and pressed his gun towards it, making you moan due to the pain. “This is our last warning. It doesn’t matter if you grew up with us, we’ll kill you if you keep messing with our business.”

“Is this a declaration of war?”

“We’ve been good to you all your life.” he pressed harder the gun against you and you almost puked from the pain it caused. “Ushijima should’ve killed you a long time ago, when you decided to leave, you ungrateful _brat.”_

“Like the boss did with my mother?” you spilled your words with pure hate. “Even if he wanted, he couldn’t kill me. Like he can’t kill Oikawa, even though he also abandoned all of you.”

He grabbed your chin and forced your head against the mirror. Your vision blurred for a few minutes and you had to lean on the sink in order to not fall on the floor. The water was still running and you focused on the sound to remember what was happening. Had the mirror broke? Were you bleeding? You couldn’t tell.

“If it were up to me, you and Oikawa would have been dead for a long time.” he caressed your cheek slowly. “Be careful next time, because if I find you, I will make sure that I take a good advantage of every corner of your body before killing you.”

“You’re disgusting. I hate you.”

“Why? I’m lovely!” He laughed. “Oh, and don’t worry.” he finally pulled away and lowered the gun. But even if you wanted to kill him right now, you couldn’t. Tendou was the one who taught almost everything you knew, meaning you had no chance against him and he knew it. “We no longer have interest on the boy. Have fun with someone as useless as him.”

“[Name]? Are you there? Did something happen?”

“You should go now.” Tendou whispered while smiling. “Your friends are worried and you don’t want them to get in and find us _together_ , do you?”

“I’m okay” you answered touching the back of your head and trying to ignore how the objects in front of you were shaking. “I just need a second.”

“It was good seeing you again. Hope to kill you next time, though.”

You opened the bathroom's door, knowing that Tendou was already gone somehow. Kageyama stared at you in confusion. He almost wasn’t fast enough to catch when you stumbled and fainted on his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm here to post the new chapter and pretend I'm not having a writer's block.
> 
> Thank you so much for your patience, as always! <3


	11. if you can avoid abandoned buildings, do so

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caught between a strong mind, and a fragile heart
> 
> — Unknown.

“Are sure you’re okay?” Kageyama asked for the tenth time.

“She already said yes. Stop fucking asking.” Tsukishima muttered and finally made the boy shut up. “We need to get inside the house, we don’t know how long it will take for those guys from Shiratorizawa to get here.”

“But she fainted less than half an hour ago.” Kageyama stated while you took off your jacket, moving your arms and neck and hearing a few bones snapping. “If we have to fight someone, she’ll be…”

“Better than you.” You snapped. “It was a one-time thing. I won’t go fainting around, I just felt bad for a few seconds. Let it go Kageyama, you should worry about yourself.”

You didn’t tell them about your encounter with Tendou; it would be worst and they wouldn’t understand why he had released you alive. Not without you having to explain all of your past, something you certainly would not do.

Your eyes survey the house a few meters from where the car is parked, making sure no one is around. That was the address Kiyoko had sent you a few minutes after you fainted. Luckily, while you were recovering, Tsukishima drove there, saving precious time. The neighborhood seemed quiet and reserved, the house was a modern style with two floors and made of concrete. You turned to Kageyama and handed him a cellphone.

“You stay here and keep watch. Me and Tsukishima will get in and see what we can find. If you see anyone, and I mean _anyone_ , you let us know immediately, okay?”

“I should go with Tsukishima, I swear I won’t mess up. You may still not be 100% well.”

“Shut up and do as I tell you.” you opened the car’s door. “Let’s go Tsukishima.”

 

The two of you walked silently to the house, seeming like a modest couple heading to a picknick date on a nearby park. There were a few steps heading to a brown metal fence a little higher than your waist, and you immediately realized the lock had been broken in. Tsukishima and you exchanged a tense glaze.

There was a cement road, surrounded by a basic garden with grass and a few plants, until the front door, that was open. You and Tsukishima pulled your guns out before blasting through the door, finding a decorated living room. Everything was silence, and you parted ways to check if there was anyone else in the house.

Tsukishima went to the kitchen and you went upstairs. It was a normal house, a long hall with four closed doors, one leading to a bathroom and the two others leading to bedrooms that seemed inhabited considering how clean and tidy they were. The last door was an office and you called for Tsukishima when you identified a man’s body across the carpet.

“We are too late.” you whispered while examining closer the three bullets lodged on the man’s chest. The blood pooling around him indicated that it had probably happened some time ago, you were enraged, but kept quiet while observing around the room. “But don’t you think it’s weird that they didn’t moved anything? Not even a drawer.”

“Maybe they did, but put it back in place before leaving.”

“They wouldn’t have time.”

“Meaning the guy spilled out everything he knew.” he took a pair of gloves from his pockets and searched through the drawers, papers and furniture. “There must be something useful here, inside a false bottom probably.”

“Or in a safe box.” you analyzed how the dead man’s eyes were stuck in a tiny sculpture on the top of a book shelf, a delicate geisha girl playing an instrument while wearing a beautiful blue kimono adorned with remarkable black petals all over. “A friend of mine told me a theory once. In situations of danger, the first place our eyes turn to it’s where the thing we want to protect the most are.”

You approached the shelf and took the sculpture in your hands, measuring its weight.

“Do you think the place we look at when we die it’s the same?” you mumbled and released the piece. It shattered into a million ceramic pieces on the floor, but you smirked while grabbing a piece of paper with a number in it. “That’s weird. A three-digit number? I thought I would find an address or a telephone or something.”

“He was clever.” Tsukishima said showing you a small black notebook. “Found this on a false bottom. Apparently, there are 693 different addresses. Maybe this number means someplace important for him. Let’s hope its related to LTAN.”

“What about the papers? Anything interesting?” you skimmed the table filled with books, notes and weird drawings. Nothing picked your interest.

“I think he had a computer. They probably took it.”

“Bastards. We should go, they probably called the cops as soon as they left.”

“An ambush? Wouldn’t it be dangerous for them too?”

“They know what they are doing.” you whispered and headed to the door.

“Why do I feel you know too much about them?”

“New conspiracy theories about me? I’m flattered you think that much about me, but I’m not interested in you, _Tsukki._ ”

“Too occupied with your new boyfriend?” Tsukishima chucked.

“I bet his dick is longer than yours.”

“A good instrument is of no use if the owner does not know how to use it.”

“If that were true, I would probably be sexually frustrated 24/7.”

“So, I finally discovered the reason for your infinite bad mood.”

“Very funny, _Tsukki._ Why don’t you concentrate all your observation skills to discover our next stop instead of staring at my ass?”

You heard him stop for a few seconds and mumble a ‘I wasn’t looking at your ass’ before the two of you get in the car.

 

“Why are we heading to Shirakawa?” Kageyama asked while chewing a rice ball on the back seat. “Shouldn’t we be going to the other addresses Kiyoko gave us?”

“Ushijima have much more people than us.” you explained taking a big sip of tea. “All of them were from Tokyo and are probably already dead, this is our best shot.”

“Isn’t it too dangerous to just head to a place like this? I mean, what if its just a random hotel or something like that?”

“Nothing is random.” Tsukishima stated. “If he hid it then he wanted someone to find it.”

“Maybe he knew he would end up dead.” you suggested. “And wanted someone to avenge his death. Or maybe we’ll find his inheritance, that would be nice. I could use a few new clothes.”

“It’s a two-hour trip, if we head there and find nothing…” Kageyama breathed heavily.

“We will find something.” Tsukishima said. “Anyway, there’s more than one address at that city written on his notebook.”

“If we don’t find anything on the first one, we just have to look at the other places.” you completed, humming to the radio song.

“You two are actually quite good working together.” Kageyama stated, making you and Tsukishima tense. There was an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes until you looked through the window and exclaimed.

“Hey guys, we should stop here a little.”

“I’m not stopping for you to take a piss again, [Name].”

“It’s not this.” You pointed to a black smoke coming up a few meters from where you were driving. Tsukishima slowed down and you watched at least ten bodies scattered around the park lot of an old diner. The windows were broken and flames engulfed the walls and ceiling, twisted plastic and charred wooden chairs all over.

“What happened here?” Kageyama asked with a wheezy voice due to the strong smell.

“I don’t know, but…” you hesitated. “Whoever it was, left a message.”

‘I am waiting for you’ was written in capital letters on the floor with red spray paint and you hoped this wasn’t destined for you. But considering that people like Tendou, Oikawa and Kuroo were from Tokyo and were deeply involved in all of this, you knew this was a war declaration. You didn’t know who had written neither who was supposed to read it, but it was a threat.

Things were turning more violent everyday and the three of you were directly in the center of that intricated spider net. For a second, a smile adorned your lips. Things were finally getting interesting.

 

The car engine stopped. You opened the door and stopped to observe the old factory building with just weary double doors, closed. The door and the walls had bullet holes in it, the aging concrete displaying how unpreserved the place was, windowless and roofless. It was easy to get inside considering the fallen pieces of wall all around, and you could see a rusty metal ladder on the side, probably an emergency exit.

“Are you sure it’s here?” you asked Tsukishima, somehow wishing he was wrong. Such an old place couldn’t help you find information about the drug.

“Yes. And there are no other constructions around. This is it.” he answered, the tranquility of his voice making you slightly ashamed of your fears.

“I don’t like the bullet holes on the door.” Kageyama stated, stepping next to you. “Should we go in together?”

“There are two floors.” you said, pointing towards the metal ladder. “If this is an old fabric the first floor it’s probably a shed and the second floor its half the size, somewhere the bosses would supervise the employs. I think two should see the first floor and one the second.”

“So, you and Kageyama go in and I’ll head up.” Tsukishima was already moving, but you protested. Considering your last met with Tendou, being with you put Kageyama in more danger than usual.

“I’ll head up alone. We are not sure how much weight that stair can take and I’m lighter than you. And if we need to run, I can find a way to sneak out easier.”

“That’s definitely an excuse to leave me with the burden.” the blonde answered and you sighted. You were tired of discussing, and you couldn’t tell him your real reasons to leave him with Kageyama.

“Tsukishima, please, just agree with me this time.” he was taken by surprise with your polite request, and realizing how serious you were, he accepted. He stared for a few seconds, his sharp eyes indicating that he knew something was wrong, and wouldn’t let you go away with it easily afterwards. “Kageyama, do everything Tsukishima tells you to, okay? I know he can be a pain in the ass, but he knows what he’s doing.”

“I think I should go with you, but if you think that it’s better this way, okay.” he took off his weapon and held it firmly, showing you confidence.

“You really think this is a smart idea?” Tsukishima asked you once again.

“Not really.” you smiled at him.

“Good. I’d be concerned if you did.” for a second you saw a hint of an accomplice smile on his always stoic face, but then it was gone. “I’ll count to 50 and head in. Can you make it upstairs in time?”

“Yeah, let’s do it.”

It was hard to be silent while climbing the stairs, considering that with each step the whole thing trembled a little and you heard a weird creaking, as if it was ready to fall apart. You had to pay a lot of attention to do not step on rusty parts. You reached the door to the second floor when you counted thirty-seven, and had time to realize the latch had already fallen long time ago, leaving the door semi open.

_Forty-two_

It was silent, you couldn’t see Kageyama and Tsukishima. You hoped they were okay and that they could find something useful. You breathed heavily and pushed the door.

An unnerving feeling ran through you veins. The first room was large and dark, illuminated only by the light coming in through the holes in the ceiling and walls. It was dusty and concrete pieces were scattered all over, even on top of the stone benches. It looked like a laboratory.

_Maybe they were using this place to produce the LTAN?_

You held your gun firmly, a bad feeling taking over you. The place looked abandoned for at least twenty years, if this was really the laboratory for LTAN, then it was supposed to be at least a bit newer. Unless they changed places and didn’t want to leave a single trace behind. A fire would’ve attracted to much attention, so they just destroyed as much as they could.

There were two doors on one of the corners, which you believe could lead you to a more open space, where you could probably see Tsukishima and Kageyama from above. You stared at both doors for a few seconds, choosing if you would pick the right or the left one, and that was when you heard a shot, coming downstairs. You heard the right door opening and had just enough time to point your gun to the man standing behind it, although he also had his gun pointed towards you.

“Hey, darling.” his derision voice was, as always, easily recognized. Kuroo was smiling at you, wearing a black jacket and a red shirt that emphasized his muscular shape and broad shoulders. His eyes were dull and sharp, like a cat. Behind him there was a short man, wearing a hood and quickly typing on his cellphone, not even paying attention to you.

“Kuroo-san.” you kept your gun held high at his head, but couldn’t avoid thinking of what might be happening downstairs. Was it really an ambush? But why Kuroo and not Ushijima? How far was he involved in this? “To what do I owe this pleasure?”

“Actually, you own it to a man called Tendou Satori, ever heard of him?” you kept your stoic face so he couldn’t realize how you were feeling, although you already had an idea where this conversation was heading. “Of course you did, since you used to be Ushijima’s subordinate, right?”

Silence.

“Ah, you’re giving me the cold shoulder. Please, don’t be mad at me. Tendou-san was quite interested in destroying you and I was interested in knowing more about you, we only combined business with pleasure.”

“He sold me out? No surprises until now.”

“It’s quite an interesting past. You father worked as a dealer at Shiratorizawa, right? And your mother was a drug addicted. I suppose it was a really complicated childhood, even more so when he ran away and they killed your mother because she refused to work to pay your father debts. Poor girl, alone and lost in such a bad place.”

“Is it fun to know about my life? Does it make you feel better about your own shitty past?”

“And then, Shiratorizawa took you in to pay for your parent’s debts.” you held tight your revolver, breathing heavily and trying to distance your feeling from his words. You knew he was only playing one of his mind games, using your own feelings against you, so you might end up opening a gap at your defense. “They set a man to take care of you, but he would constantly abuse you. Sexually and physically. You hated him, and as soon as you could, you killed him in cold blood. How old were you? Ten? Twelve? Quite impressive.”

Your hand trembled. How could he know about this? This information wasn’t from Tendou, the only one that knew about that disgusting man that raped you was Ushijima, he was the one who helped you get rid of the body and created a story about his disappearance. He was the only one that knew it, and even when he became the new Shiratorizawa boss, he promised that no one would ever know about it.

Even when you told him you were leaving. He promised to take the secret to his grave.

Even after so many years and so many things that happened, you still trusted Ushijima.

_No, there is one more person that knows._

_Oikawa Tooru._

The lost pieces of the puzzles slowly connected. If Kuroo knew about this, it was because Oikawa Tooru had told him about it. What meant that they were probably working together to find the LTAN. What meant…

“NO!” you ran past Kuroo, not minding if he could shoot you. He only smiled and observed your despair while heading to the glass a few meters behind him. You arrived on time to see Tsukishima’s body covered in blood and Kageyama, unconscious, being dragged by a man. You could also see at least a dozen more surrounding the shed, heavily armed.

“You used to be smarter than this.” Kuroo muttered. “Oikawa told me you used to be the best rent killer in Shiratorizawa and not a single crime was ever related to you. You always knew how to get away with everything you did. Working for Daichi made you weaker.”

“Why do you need Kageyama? He doesn’t know about anything.”

“You see, when you gather two really cleaver people, things are much easier. Me and Oikawa found the LTAN creator and the place he hid the formula. But the sad thing is the bunker can only be opened by his son. That’s why we need the boy.”

_Kuroo’s knows about my past._

_He knows my weakness._

_Tsukishima is dead._

_Kageyama is gone._

_I failed._

You always considered yourself as almost undefeatable. You were trained to be merciless, skilled, clever and calculating. You have wonderful reflexes, a good physique and a brain able to imagine a few scenarios in your mind, and your own response to them, so you could predict someone’s else behavior.

You were accustomed to dealing with deaths and kidnappings. You were always sure none of them would ever be able to affect you mentally; not during a fight or facing a threat. But at that second, that thousandth of second, your brain, your reflexes, your body, they all failed you.

You didn’t hear his steps. You didn’t feel his breath until it was too late. You didn’t paid attention when the air around shifted somehow. That was the opening Kuroo needed to immobilize your hands, making you drop your gun. Of course, as soon as your senses were back you tried fighting him, using the weight of your body against him, but everything happened too fast.

The other man’s gun was stuck on your chest. He had a stoic face, meant to tell that your life was not at all worth for him. You clenched your teeth and for a second didn’t recognize the growl that left your mouth, like a caged animal fighting for its last minutes of freedom.

“Hush now, darling.” Kuroo said, and you could feel the cold steel of strong handcuffs around your wrists. He used more prevention measures, wrapping a tracking past around your neck and a leather rope around your knees, making you completely unable to move or react to him. “Now, that’s what they call a wonder. Although, I believe you still have too many clothes on. We can change that latter.”

You stared into the barrel of the man’s gun and smiled.

“Do it.”

The slap was as loud as a clap, leaving behind a stinging pain on your cheek. You felt something sliding your cheek, probably blood considering the ring Kuroo always used on his right hand. Some strands of your hair slipped out of your hair loop and spread around your face. You heard a deep breath coming from the black-haired man.

“Just because I’m helping you doesn’t mean I care.” he held your chin with unnecessary force, and you laughed at his face, what only made him angrier. “Your death would be a minor inconvenience, that’s all. Therefore, do not you dare abuse my kindness, bitch.”

“This is you being kind?” you asked, grumpy. “Then why don’t you tell me what kind of things you do to people when you’re being mean? Maybe hearing your bad deeds will turn me on. This way I’ll be deliciously wet for when you rape me.”

“You really believe that I’m that low type of criminal?” he positioned his lips right next to your ear, his voice sounding like a lazy cat to you.  He pushed your chin, obliging you to stare at Tsukishima’s inert body, glued to the ground. You saw how his men were leaving the building.

_Maybe I can kill them. Maybe I can jump and kill each and everyone of them. I just need to grab Kuroo’s gun and I can…_

_I can’t._

_I failed._

“Don’t worry, your destine it’s not that bad.”

His hand traveled to your belly, underneath your shirt. He took his time enjoying your skin until he reached your breast, grabbling it and pinching your nipple. His lips kissed your neck, and for a second your mind was a fog. Nobody existed, there was nothing to worry, you only had to stay still and soon it would all be over. “Have you ever heard of the term _patient zero_ , or even better, _guinea pig?_ Because me and Oikawa have an amazing idea for what to do to you. _”_

You stood still, like a broken doll. You wanted to kill him, but his hands traveling all over your body made you freeze. Like it used to do when you were younger and that man came to your bed at night and touched parts you didn’t want him to. Like when all those people invaded your house and killed your mother right in front of you. Like when you realized you had killed a person and had absolutely no regret.

“You really think you can scare me with such an empty threat? You’ll have to try harder, Kuroo-san. I’ve been though far much worse.” you whispered, but there was no emotion on your voice. You were tired. So tired. Exhausted of being touched and used, as a lifeless object. Maybe, just maybe, it was just better this way.

“Don’t worry, _darling_.” you felt something enter the skin of your arm, something thin and pointed. A needle. Your felt sleepy and sluggish, your limbs crumbling down. You breathed and whispered something incoherent, but Kuroo just ignored it, grabbing your body and caring while you blacked out. But you heard his last words, and they made you tremble.

 “We will show you a whole new level of what they call pain.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, but I'm not dead. 
> 
> Not yet, at least.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter, things are finally starting to make sense (or maybe not), so keep reading, please.
> 
> And if you liked it, please leave a comment. Thank you for not giving up on me readers <3


	12. some encounters are inevitable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sometimes I wish I had never met you, because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there.”
> 
> ― Ben Affleck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are sensible about rape content, please don't continue reading this chapter.

_Every night you visit me._

During the good nights, you always dream about the two of you, slightly apart in a wheat field. He is always facing the sun, so shiny and beautiful hovering above and sharing its heat. One of his hands above his eyes, trying to diminish the light, brown locks swinging with the wind. His whole body perfectly mixed with the golden wheat branches.

He never looks at you.

_Every night you visit me. Sometimes in dreams._

The sky has his favorite shade of blue, so it’s obvious that he won’t spend time gazing at you. You are always a few feet away, staring at his long and muscular back. Your arms outstretched towards him, as if always hoping that you can reach out.

You try calling out his name, but he can’t hear it.

So, you stand there for as long as you can, praying that someday he will turn around and smile at you. Only staring at his back and hoping that somehow, he will suddenly remember you were standing there this whole time, waiting for him.

Waiting for him to say _you are his home_.

_Every night you visit me. Sometimes in dreams, sometimes in nightmares._

During the bad nights, he is there too. He craws in your bed, under the sheets, wearing that scornful and malicious smile of his. He crushes you, squeezing into the single bed and making sure each empty space you had before is filled by his body.

He touches your cheeks and kiss you, but you know that as soon as you close your eyes, his touches will turn lascivious and needed. You enjoy in the beginning, the way his hands are soft and skilled, how your skin trembles under his fingertips, how your voice fails when he kisses your neck and his tongue plays with your earlobe.

But you don’t want it. Not tonight. You just want to hold him and sleep, just want to feel his calming heartbeat next to your ear. To feel his warmth embrace you and drive you to sleep.

But he says _he wants you now_.

And then he uses you as his doll. He grabs, clings, grapples and squeezes every single part of you without asking permission. He kisses your lips, not minding if you aren’t returning his actions, and suddenly he gets mad and turn you around. He slaps you and pulls your hair tight, he moves and sets your body so you get down on all fours, his favorite position.

You don’t do anything to stop him.

Your hands grab the sheets tighter with each thrust that he gives. It hurts, but you don’t complain. Your knees weaken and you want to lay down, but you don’t do it. Because you know that if you do, he will only hurt you more. It’s been a long time since you’ve cried, but there are tears staining the sheets.

When he’s done, it’s messy and sticky. But you don’t get up to wash yourself, because this is always the worst part of the nightmare. Because instead of that man that used to rape you when you were younger, the face that lies next to you belongs to someone you love.

_Oikawa Tooru._

But this time is different.

Because he doesn’t have brown locks and a malicious smile. Instead, his eyes are blue like a deep ocean and his hair is black. He smiles sweetly at you, as if telling you that all would be okay. His arms surround you and somehow you believe his silent affirmative, and his warmness finally drives you to nothingness.

 

You had always wondered how you would die. Since the first time someone pointed a gun at your head, you knew things at your life wouldn’t be simple and you probably wouldn’t live a long time. No children, no grandchildren and you definitely wouldn’t be a host to those big festivities as thanksgiving and birthdays.

You closed your eyes and breathed. All you could see was his face. You wondered why you dreamed with him, even if you already knew the answer. But the answer terrified you. Last time you allowed yourself to feel something like this, you got hurt. More than physically hurt. You were crushed and buried in despair. You were drowning, like no oxygen could ever reach your lungs.

Which lead you to bloodshed.

Which lead you to cause more deaths.

To pain, to darkness, to _madness._

Until Daichi found you.

Back then, no one was strong or fast enough for you. You used to wonder though alleyways, looking for someone able to kill you, because that was your only ambition. But there was no one strong enough for you. So, you left a trail of bodies behind, not caring about anything else besides a way to end your pain.  

It was raining. You were dirty and soaked in blood. You two fought each other for what seemed like centuries. He defeated you, and when he pointed the tip of his knife to your chest, you begged him to end you, because your despair would finally be over. But instead of killing you, he offered a hand a said ‘welcome’. He showed you a life outside of the streets, a place you could come back to, people you could ask for help.

This time, even knowing your destiny was probably far much worse than last time, you still wanted to live.

You touched the glass in front of you and opened your eyes. You were confined in a 5x5 meter glass room, with a bed, a sofa, a sink and a toilet; much similar to a prison room. On the other side of the glass you could see a large white room with benches and computers, but no one was there. You felt like a guinea pig being used in an experiment, especially considering the cameras on the corners. You could recognize a door, which you did not bother checking, because you knew it was locked.

_Kuroo was telling the truth. They will test the LTAN on me._

The glass was too thick to be broken. The bed was made of metal, but its structures were bolted to the ground as the other pieces of furniture. You were trapped, caged and defenceless and for the first time in a long time, you felt useless, unable to escape. Your only choice was to wait.

He didn’t take long to come find you.

You knew it was him long before you even heard his voice. Maybe it was how slowly he opened and closed the door, like he enjoyed the view of your back and wanted to keep it for a little longer. Maybe he was imagining your face, how low your eyes would be, if your lips would be stagnant in an unsatisfied expression, if your eyebrows would be slightly frowned in irritation. 

_He used to tell you that he liked imagining how you would react to his words, to his existence._

Maybe you recognized him by the sound of his boots on the floor. Even if Oikawa was tall and muscular, his footsteps were always light and silent, as if he was always peeking his next victim and didn’t want to be found. This was extremely important when you two were designed to work as snipers and had to move as quietly as possible.

_He used to walk like this to visit your bedroom some nights. He used to like how scared you were by his sudden presence._

For a second of weakness, you wished there was no glass wall between the two of you, so you could perceive that unique fragrance that he always had. It was a woody base, a bit too bitter for you, but enough for you to get used to it. You wondered if he had stopped using it, considering it was a present you gave him many years before, when you were just friends.

_Your favourite place used to be the crook of his neck, where your head fitted so perfectly, where you could lie after a long and exhausting day_. _You used to breath with your nose tightly attached to his skin, trying to memorize the mixture of smells he exhaled._

You trembled, even before he let go of his first words. You remembered a lot of things you wanted to forget, things you tried really hard to erase from your mind. His presence was enough to bring everything up again. You remembered Lev last words to you though the phone, and how naked and alone you felt when _Oikawa_ spat threats. You wondered if he already knew it was you that day.

“You’re taller.” his voice was flat, very different from the ringing one you used to like so much, like when he said he was leaving without you, even though you knew he could never do it. _Of course, until one day he did_. “You look more like a woman too.”

“Why didn’t you kill me?” you whispered, sounding more affected than you intended to. “Only to brag about how far you got? That’s not very mature, you know?”

“Nor is it too mature to talk to someone on their backs, you know?”

He knew how to push your buttons, you were a puppet on his hands, only waiting for his orders to move around. You turned around slowly, trying to show as less emotion as you could. You hated your heart for beating faster just by the sight of his face.

His brown hair swept casually over his forehead, locks slightly kneaded but still perfectly arranged around his head. As always, time was only kind to him, as if there were an unknown contract with the heavens that would not allow time to affect him negatively. His pale skin created a perfect contrast with his brownish eyes, colour of wood left in water, sometimes hidden by his long eyelashes – the ones you always envied and wished you had.

His sharp jaw contrasts with how soft his skin is. His mouth is contorted in a frown, just like your own; it wasn’t hard to remember how his thin lips felt against yours, sometimes eager and sometimes gentle – always soft. He stands tall and domineering on the other side of the wall, eyes glued to your shape, and for a second you are again a little girl brought to an unknown place where people analysed each piece of you, measuring your value.

“Are you happy now, Oikawa-san?” the way you say his name makes something shatter inside you. Last time you saw each other, face to face, you called him _Tooru_ ; you called his name and begged him not to go. Now, calling him by his last name seemed like a bad joke. “Or do you have more orders for me?”

He is silent for a few seconds, a sneering smile forming on his lips.

“If I told you to take off your clothes so we could talk more freely, I do not think you would. You've always been the _naughty_ type.” his eyes roam all over your body, probably remembering a few situations you rather not to think about right now. You need to hold yourself not to shiver before his gaze. “Well, I can’t complain. That's exactly why I always liked you.”

“Tell me when you’re over with your fake compliments so we can talk about your intentions towards me.”

“Feisty, aren’t you?” he took a step closer, eyes never diverting your form, your face. “Are you really that anxious to know what I’ll do with you?”

“You can’t hurt me anymore.” you whispered, toneless.

“As long as you have something to lose, I can and **I will** hurt you.”

It was your turn to take a step forward. You were a few feet’s shorter than him, but the height difference was not enough to make you ponder. You craned your neck and stared straight at his brownish eyes.

“Why do you hate so much?” you couldn’t contain the feelings anymore, and your raucous voice only seemed to make him happier. He was always like this, enjoying how far he could play with your feeling, your sensations, until you begged him to stop.  “Wasn’t enough to kill my father, when you knew that was the only reason I was alive? What more do you want from me?”

“We could’ve built a kingdom together.” he whispered so low you almost asked him to repeat, mind wandering if his words were really true. “Together we were stronger and more intelligent than everyone else. We could’ve invented a way to control Japan’s whole drug cartel.”

“At which cost?” you punched the glass, but Oikawa didn’t even flinch with your movement. “You wanted to kill everyone at Shiratorizawa. You wanted to kill Ushijima! Even after all those years that we were together, taking care of each others back, you wanted to kill him!”

“Ushijima loved you, just like I did.” you trembled, of anger or sadness you couldn’t tell. You used to think you loved Oikawa, and that he loved you. Now that word only makes you laugh, the only thing he felt for you was a sense of possession, like a owner with a dog. “It would never work. You knew it.”

“I was always a bad person.” you stared at him again, feeling proud. “But we were loyal to each other. You, me and Ushijima. You were the one that broke what we had.”

“I took care of you all your life. I helped you when you were lost and alone. We were _always_ together, and I did everything I could for you. I held you when you cried, I kissed you when you asked, I fucked you hard when you begged for me.” his tone was monotonous, Oikawa always had an impressive control of all of his words, actions, voice. He didn’t waste a single word. But you could see he was starting to lose control by the way his nostrils inflated for a second. “When I needed you, you said no. And now I will teach you _exactly why_ you shouldn’t reject someone who helped you.”

“ _I do not belong to you. I never did.”_ your fist trembled against the glass, but your eyes never left Oikawa’s.

“We'll see if you'll repeat this when I'm done with you.” he held a cheeky smile, as if sharing an inside joke with a friend. But this wasn’t a joke. He was serious, and he would do anything to get what he wanted. That was the kind of person he had always been.  Your hands slipped through the glass, and you allowed yourself to tremble before his gaze.

You were his guinea pig, and he could do _anything_ he wanted with you.

A long of time ago, this thought would cause a tingle of pleasure.

Right now, it terrifies you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, it has been harder and harder to keep writing this.  
> I have a writer's block and I don't have much time, so it's really difficult.  
> But I realize that I still have a few readers and that gives me gas to keep trying.
> 
> Thank you so much!


	13. things I wish I had told someone sooner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "watch you look at my body; and I cry. I watch you want  
> my body; and I cry.  
> I watch you enter my body; so, I leave."
> 
> — Tati Luboviski-Acosta

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are sensible about rape content, please don't continue reading this chapter.  
> I mean it.

Things weren’t always like this. Even if your mind continuously tried to convince you otherwise.

Your brain works in a simple way: good memories are locked away and never revisited, as well as your traumatic memories. But sometimes they came as nightmares.

The useful memories were always stuck with you, but usually were not connected to deep feelings. The technique of using a gun, for example, was an easily accessed memory because you had to use it most of the time.

You knew seeing Oikawa again would mess your mind, but you never thought about how much it would make you _remember_ things so well veiled in your brain. You lied on the bed and closed your eyes, allowing yourself a moment of weakness. No one could hurt you in this moment, no one would bother you. You were alone, and even if you couldn’t tell how long it would last, it was enough to lower your guard.

There was nothing you could do right now. It had been a long, long time since you felt like this.

It made you angry for being useless, but, at the same time, you felt peace. The world continued without you, without your efforts and your fights and the blood you spilled. You opened your eyes.

The ceiling was white, like the one you used to stare at your bedroom when you were very, very little.

You used to live with your grandmother, because you were the fruit of an unwanted pregnancy of a teenager girl. Those were halcyon days, probably the few years you actually felt happy and satisfied. She wasn’t rich, and you had to sleep on a humble mattress on the floor, sharing your bedroom with her, but not ever her snores during the night bothered you.

On the petite balcony of the apartment, lost in the craziness of Tokyo’s lights and streets, she cultivated strawberries that you used to steal, mint and others spices. It was an easy life; you went to kindergarten and she went to work; you two walked home together, smiling at each other. Some days you two stopped at the convenience to buy _manju_.

You remember sitting at the balcony floor and feeling the sun warming you up.

You remember the loud laughs and how she whispered in your ears that your draws were colorful and beautiful. She used to say you could become an illustrator some day.

You remember the fragrance of fresh baked bread.

And you remember how one day, she didn’t come to get you.

You waited and waited, but she never came. It was dark outside when a young woman appeared and said you had to go home with her: she was your mother. The place she lived was crowded and dirty, and she said you couldn’t go to kindergarten anymore, that she would take care of you now that your grandmother was dead.

She was never home, neither was the man that lived with her, your father. The room you shared with them both was hot, humid and noisy. You never saw anyone around your age to play with, so days were long and boring; you cried most of the time. Your mother didn’t cultivate strawberry’s, and said she didn’t have money to buy you _manjus_.

You remember drawing on your old notebook.

You remember the noises during the night that scared you: screams, moans, thuds and steps.

You remember how a single day seemed like an eternity.

Your misery didn’t last long. You were sleeping profoundly one day when your mother appeared and ripped you out of bed. She held you on one of her arms and grabbed a handbag with the other. It was really, really cold that day. The snow had stopped, but there were inches of it accumulated in the streets. Still in your pajamas, teeth clattering, she held you against her chest.

She was running and you could see the puff of her breath against the cold air. She was calling your father’s name and cursing, always looking behind as if expecting someone to come out of nowhere.

He came.

She squeezed your body so hard that you had to tell her she was hurting you. They talked, but you didn’t paid attention to the words, because you wanted to return to your nap on her shoulders. You wanted to sleep and forget about how cold it was and how hungry you felt at that moment. Your eyes were almost closing when you lost the warmth of your mother’s body and felt someone grabbing you. You felt your body almost being tore apart because your mother tried to keep you to herself.

She wasn’t strong enough.

You realized something was very wrong. You didn’t want to be with that man you didn’t know, he was hurting you and instead of warmth, it was like you were pressed against a wall. Your mother cried and screamed you name, but he didn’t let you go.  You punched him and heard you mother gasp as he pointed something towards her. She started sobbing harder and mumbling faster and faster, things you couldn’t understand.

All it took was a second. You were six years old when you saw a dead body for the first time. Her long hair scattered, eyes slowly closing, mouth in agape and blood spreading slowly and painting the snow a crimson shade.

Just like your grandmother, she never had the chance to tell you goodbye.

Back then you had no idea what was happening, but years later you would discover that your father was a drug dealer and had disappeared with a good amount of cocaine, leaving your mother to get by with his superiors. They made a propose to her: work with Shiratorizawa to pay for her husband’s debits, to which she refused. She tried to run away with you, but was executed.

And just like this you inherited father’s debts.

 

You had a room. You had a bed. You had food and water. You had books. You had clothes. You could easily be mistaken as a normal girl, walking by the street holding your father’s hand. Except the man that used to take care of you wasn’t your father. Except that everything you used came from Shiratorizawa and increased what you owned them.

Except that instead of having normal classes at school, you had gun handling classes and self-defence classes, you had to learn about each and every street in Tokyo and how they connected. You needed to know about the alley’s and the underground tunnels, to memorize the most different formulae and kinds of poisons. They required for you to know how to differentiate all kinds of guns and cold weapons, how to use them.

You never had a choice. You couldn’t fail, or you received physical punishments. You couldn’t cry or complain; you couldn’t express emotions. They did everything they could to create a perfect weapon, uncapable of mercy. You were their perfect robot, with quick reflexes and just enough intelligence to kill and disappear with bodies.

Their only mistake was to hire a man that abused you as your guardian.

You don’t remember when or how he started doing it. Probably only slightly weird touches, and then caressing places you didn’t felt comfortable with, and soon he realized you were actually his property and that he could do anything he liked with you.

He used to come at night, the creaking of the door opening in the darkness became the creepiest sound you had ever heard. You trembled when he raised the sheets, and closed your eyes as soon as he engulfed your little body. As soon as the needy, fast, rude and invasive touch began, you used to pray in silence. But you never believed in god, and he never saved you.

You were taught not to cry, so you only stood there, unmovable and stoic as he crudely grasped and squeezed until he was satisfied. When he left, after what seemed like centuries, you stood like a statue for a long time before allowing yourself to breath.

You hugged yourself, and on the first’s nights, could swear the door was opening again, that he was coming back once again because he wasn’t happy enough. Trembling and breathing deeply, you created echoes in darkness in your mind, telling you those minutes of horror would repeat themselves in an eternal loop.

He used to come every single night, but not even once he dared to come two times in the same night.

You got used to it. Like every human, you adapted yourself. He would come, make noise with the door, lay on your bed, touch a few places and then go. You became strong enough to abstain your mind from your body every time he came. It became the only way to keep breathing and sleeping as a normal girl, to not submerge yourself in despair.

You couldn’t give up. Not before making your father pay for all you were suffering.

The first night that he didn’t come was a Thursday. You raised from the bed and realized by the sounds, slightly louder that day, that something was happening outside. It didn’t take long for you to find out because your tutor came to you, right arm wrapped around a young boy’s shoulder, a boy with brownish hair and cold eyes, just like yours.

“This is Oikawa Tooru, and he will live with us from now on.” your mentor mumbled, kindly patting the boy’s back. “Please, take good care of him, [Name]-san.”

He was a weird boy, always smiling despite the circumstances. He was the kind of person that even when the room was silent, he would always find a way to start a conversation however superfluous it might be. You two shared the same age, 8 years old, but he was much clever than you and better at absolutely everything, from shooting to establishing social contacts. Soon, he was adored and admired by everyone at Shiratorizawa. Quotes like “he will be our number one soon” or even “he might be able to become a boss” were common.

You hated him.

You never wanted to be the first one at Shiratorizawa, you _detested_ that place, but somehow seeing how he was always greeted with a smile by everyone made you angry, even jealous. You also wished to be acknowledged as a human being, as someone _good at something_. Somehow, you knew you just wanted attention, because you had got used to being the only child around.

It didn’t take you long to understand that above all of his abilities, Oikawa was a magnificent actor. You two shared the same room, which prevented your mentor to come around for a while, and you got used to seeing him lay on his bed, turn around and sleep. Until one day, you got up to grab a glass of water and realized he was still awake at 3 a.m., tired eyes glued to the ceiling.

_“You are not safe here.” he whispered, after weeks of a mutual agreement of silence. You stared at him, but you couldn’t decipher his expression in the darkness of early hours._

_“No one is safe here.” you whispered back, taking a sip of water, still as angry as ever with him._

_“Do you want to run away?” your head turned around as soon as you understood his words. For a second it was like he was screaming at the top of his lungs for everyone around that you two were planning to escape, but no one came and you breathed with relief. “You hate this place. Why are you still here?”_

_“You talk as if I could just run away.”_

_“There are no handcuffs or walls. You can run away.”_

_“They would find me.” you felt like explaining the most obvious thing to a three-year child. “They can find anyone.”_

_He was silent, as if pondering your words. You tried to look at him once more, but he only turned around, facing the wall. You opened your mouth to ask what was his problem, but he interrupted you, as if foreseeing your exasperation._

_“Someday I will be strong enough to run away. You can come with me, if you want to.”_

_You puffed and put the glass on the wooden table with a bang._

_“Someday I will be strong enough to run away. And then, I will think about if you can come with me or not.”_

_It was the first time you heard his laugh._

Soon after, they offered the boy a single room, to which he accepted. And your mentor started coming again, bringing your worst sensations once more. Your relation with Oikawa changed, really slowly, but it did. You two were the only ones with similar ages, and ended up finding comfort and a healthy rivalry in each other; he always offered you tips and, even if sometimes your pride was bigger, you listened to him.  

You became friends quicker than you would have expected. He was the only one capable of stealing a smile from you, the always serious girl. Years of co-existence made you know each other’s habits and personality, strengths and weakness. Growing up together in a hostile place made you two connected with each other, for good and for bad.

You were ten when you met Ushijima Wakatoshi, a boy with dark olive-brown hair e dark eyes, with a stoic expression and extremely intimidating, mostly because he was the boss’s son. He knocked on Oikawa’s bedroom door, said he would be training with him from that day forward and placed his backpack next to the empty bed in which you were sitting on.

You always though Oikawa was perfect at everything he did, the reason for your anger, until you saw how Ushijima was capable of shooting 30 times and not missing a single bullet. And how, unlike Oikawa, he acted like he did nothing special.

The dynamic between the three of you always made everyone laugh. Ushijima was the quiet one, while you bugged him, asking for advices and about him and Oikawa was the one always challenging Ushijima and losing. It was a friendship you learned to treasure. Days went by fast, you shared breakfast, lunches and dinners, trained and studied together, and sometimes even stayed up until late just talking, mostly you and Oikawa while Ushijima read a book on his bed.

It was easier to accept things when you weren’t alone. It was easier to endure your mentor’s touch, which had decreased but was still happening, knowing you would be able to laugh with your friends on the next day. It was easy to pretend nothing ever happened if you didn’t talk about it. If no one ever discovered about it. Everything would be fine.

It took you two more years. Two more years of touches, kisses, unwanted caresses. He never transgressed the line, but he was always _very, very close to._ With time, you understood what he did to you. And you knew you couldn’t tell anybody, because he was far too unreachable to get caught or punished. So, you accepted. Again, and again and again.

_Until the day Oikawa kissed you._

Things were changing. You three weren’t children anymore, and your breasts were developing, you were acquiring more feminine traits. Oikawa and Ushijima were on a weird age, and they could easily detect the changes on you, the only girl of their age they had contact with, even if Ushijima was always respectful about it, while Oikawa made a few snarky or flirty comments.

It was a harmless game, passing a piece of paper around from mouth-to-mouth using only suction; if it fell, you had to kiss the person that was passing it to you, or at least that what Oikawa had told you and Ushijima. It seemed like an interest opportunity to embarrass Oikawa and Ushijima by making one of them drop the paper and have to kiss each other, so you accepted. Of course, Ushijima refused at first, but accepted when Oikawa accused him of being afraid of losing.

It was funny for a while, the competitiveness surfacing even in something so silly between you three, until you were the first one to drop the paper while passing it to Oikawa. There was a moment of silence before Oikawa laughed; you tried to show how tense you were when he approached, but you failed. As soon as his lips touched yours, your thoughts automatically remembered that men’s lips and you basically flipped, punched Oikawa and left the room running.  

That’s when you realized something was very, very wrong.

When you realized you didn’t have accept that anymore.

You remembered Oikawa’s words from a long time ago, when he said that when he was strong enough, he would run away.

Maybe you weren’t strong enough to run away yet, but you were to make _him_ stop.

That night, when you heard the door opening, you weren’t hidden and frozen on the bed, but standing still, looking at the window. Hands trembling, but your voice was firm and cold.

_“You need to stop. This is already happening for far too long.”_

_“I have a surprise for you today. I will make you feel good. You’ll understand when I’m done, now be a good girl and lie down.”_

_“I can’t take this anymore.” you whispered, warning him. “If you leave and never come back, I won’t tell anyone, I swear.”_

_“Who do the fuck you think you are?” he stormed and slammed your upper body against the table, your nose started bleeding from the impact, and you desperately scraped the table trying to break free. You could hear him undoing his zippers, and grasping the fabric of your pants, tearing it apart._

_You tried your best to move, but he was too heavy, too strong for you. His presence would always hover above you, and you would never be able to defend yourself._

_All those years of training and learning self-defence, and when you needed the most, your body just moved around randomly, your thoughts didn’t connect and you just breathed heavily and cried when he painfully inserted himself on you._

_In._

_You could feel blood running down your thighs._

_Out._

_Your nails marked the wooden table. They were painted in crimson red._

_In._

_Your lips trembled, but you made no sound._

_Out._

_The only thing you saw was a necklace, something Oikawa had given you a few years ago._

_In._

_The only gift he had given you, an arrow pendant._

_Out._

_You grabbed it._

_In._

_Your mind emptied._

_Out._

_You breathed and whispered Oikawa’s name._

_In._

_With your other hand you grabbed a flower vase._

_Out._

 

_He fell to the floor with a boom, pants on the ankles. You release the vase and open a drawer, grabbing your dagger. He didn’t have time to get up, still dizzy from the blow to the head. You get down, close enough so he can see your face, even in the darkness._

_“Your soul will scream for mercy,” you whisper, clutching the dagger tightly and burying it deep into his stomach. “and you will have none.”_

_You stab him again, and again, and again, and again, like he had done to you, until your hands couldn’t move anymore. Until his blood was all over you, wiping every single piece of skin he had ever touched. Until you were so exhausted that you didn’t think about the consequences. Until you faint in exhaustion._

You were twelve years old when you killed someone for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I know it took me a long time to bring you this chapter, but my classes are finally done (until august at least) and I hope I can finish this fanfiction until then.
> 
> I'll start to have a few english classes and I hope my english gets better! I am also studying to take the TOEFL test soon, so please wish me luck!  
> Thank you for you support and comments, and I hope I can post a new chapter next week!


	14. about trusting and getting hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "he wears the smell of blood and death like a perfume  
> there is fire in his eyes  
> and ice in his veins  
> but you love him anyway  
> for he is a star  
> burning with the light of a thousand suns
> 
> (and your world is dark without him)"
> 
> \- Unknown

Terror. Disgust.

You don’t really know.

It’s kind of a toss up when you wake up covered in blood.

Not your blood, at least, you realize while staring at the body. You assume that the pallor is normal for a corpse, so as the blue lips; you see a glimpse of your mother’s body laying on the snow. Was she as pale as him?

You look at the clock, it says it’s 2h37 a.m. You still have time to think about what to do. You try to get up, but your boots slide in the blood and you cling to the bed. You fix your clothes, then look at the body and try not to despair.

You just killed your mentor and if anyone knows about this, it means you would be sentenced to death; they would never hear why you had done it. You had to find a way to hide the body, to clean the blood and to get ride of your clothes.

You **can’t** do it alone.

You grab a coat, take your boots off and storm out of the room to visit Oikawa’s and Ushijima’s bedroom. You don’t knock, you just get inside and close the door, the sound enough to wake both of them. Oikawa is the first to notice your blood-stained face and runs to you, asking what happened. Your eyes quiver, and you stutter, hands ready to reach his cheeks and thank him, because he was the reason you had the strength to knock your mentor, but you stop midway.

Your hands are soaked in blood. Oikawa calls your name again.

“Tooru” you beg him, as if he was a god, the only one capable of saving you from the depths of hell; tears spreading down your cheeks. “I killed him. He raped me, and I killed him. And I don’t know what to do now.”

Instead of moving away because you were dirty and violated and disgusting, his arms surrounds you and you feel his warmth spreading. You feel his hand caressing your hair and you hear his words of comfort and he’s not bothered by the blood staining his clothes, or the tears soaking his shoulders. He chants an apology mantra, _i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry_ and you just keep crying and crying, trying not to think about the pain between your legs or how your own blood mingled with that man’s.

You hear Ushijima saying he would clean everything and deal with the body; you hear him telling Oikawa to take care of you and to clean you up. Then he tries to caress your head, but his stoic expression makes you think about _that man_ and you flinch and shiver. It hurts him, but at that moment you only tighten up against Oikawa and grabs his clothes as if he could protect you from anything.

It was a hard night. You stayed a long time just hugging Oikawa, not saying a word. You were afraid that if you looked at him, he might look like your mentor, just because he was a man. He told you it was okay, that it was over, that he could never hurt you again and a thousand other reassurances, but you were weak, _broken_. At that moment, you were just a girl; not a killer in training, part of a huge gang.

At some point you allowed him to move away, slowly, carefully. He was stained in blood, just like you. But he was smiling, caressing your cheek and saying it was okay. He said that you two needed to clean up because it would be dawn soon and that he needed to help Ushijima.

“We will go to the bathroom, and I’ll prepare a bath to you, okay? You will bath while I help Ushijima, and then you will stay in our room and sleep until you feel better.”

“But he’s dead.” you whispered, eyes wondering around the room. “I have to tell them I killed him.”

“No, you won’t.” Oikawa affirmed. “Me and Ushijima will make up a lie, and no one will ever know about any of this, okay?”

“But they will kill you if they discover, we can’t cover this up, we’re just kids and…”

“Do you trust me?” Oikawa’s eyes have a seriousness you’ve never noticed before. He’s not smiling, or joking or teasing you. He’s acting like a grown up, not like the teenager he is. You feel ashamed for crying so much and being so childish, so you stand up and dry your tears. This time you’re not whispering anymore.

“I trust you, more than anything.”

They make it look like he ran away with some of the drugs, like your father had done it so many years ago. Shiratorizawa’s boss does a deep search for him, but no one ever suspects his whereabouts. Your bloody clothes are burned. You dagger is throw in the ocean, and you, Oikawa and Ushijima make a pact to take this secret to your grave, whatever it takes.

You used to believe in Oikawa’s promises.

Now you know you should have never trusted him.

 

It was silent for a while. Stuck in that place you couldn’t know if it was day or night, and losing track of time was making you nervous. Oikawa had left a long time ago, leaving you to memories and fear. You sat at the bed and stared at the wall, and then to the glass wall, and then to the furniture, to the ceiling. Five hours could have gone by, or maybe just five minutes. You couldn’t tell.

You tried not to think about Tsukishima and Kageyama. Not to think about their bodies soaked in blood and disposed on a random street where an innocent walker would come by and scream in despair, calling the police. You imagined the newspapers describing the death of a college student, the testimonies of his friends saying he was bright and had all his life to live. You wondered if they would bring flowers to his grave, if they would mourn him.

And then you thought about Tsukishima. His funeral, if he ever had one, would have only a few people, friends from the house that instead of mourning his death would be planning revenge. Planning to bury many more bodies underground.

You thought about your own death. Would there be anyone at your funeral? You didn’t have any friends, and maybe people like Daichi and Sugawara would be too occupied in a war to worry about your body. Autumn was probably a good season to die, brownish leaves covering your figure.  No one would cry over you. Maybe feel angry about it, but not sad. You wondered for a second why admitting this made you feel gloomy.

You slept, and woke up and slept and woke up again. Someone left a sandwich and a plastic cup of water for you, but you didn’t touch it. You didn’t want to let them know you were weak enough to need food and water, not for now at least.

You were walking and touching the walls, looking for a badly placed tile or a crack when you heard someone entering the room. As always, Kuroo was wearing a sarcastic smile.

“I have good news for you.  Your boredom is almost over.” Two man with white coats and holding syringes were right behind him. You stopped moving and stared through the glass.

“You know that if you let them in, I will be the one applying the injection in them. Are you sure you want to take that risk? I don’t mind at all, since it’s been quite some time since I snapped someone’s throat.” You could feel the fear spread on their bodies, and that made you feel powerful again, even if it lasted only a few seconds.

“Don’t worry, I am not that stupid.” He turned to one of doctors and told him to activate it. You saw a fog leaving the air tube and tried to cover your nose with your shirt, but it wasn’t enough. It took only a few minutes for you to fall on the floor, not feeling any part of your body. “It’s a paralysis gas, this way there is absolutely no chance of you hurting anyone.  You won’t be blacked out, only unable to move. Oh, and of course, you will still feel pain. Quite interesting, don’t you think so?”

One of them raised you and positioned your body on his shoulder, one of his hands twining under your knees while the other was around your waist. You tried to move any part of your body, but had no response. It was almost like you were dead. You could blink, move your head and talk, but nothing more than this. The other man with a white coat injected something on your arm, something that made all of your senses wider, stronger.

You closed and opened your eyes, the lights suddenly too bright, the noises of footsteps too loud and even the smell of your own sweat made your nose sore. You breathed rapidly, your heart beat getting faster and faster, suddenly realizing how strong was the grip around your body. You were drugged.

“What did you…” you felt dizzy, almost unable to form coherent sentences on your own. “injected in me?”

“Oh, this?” Kuroo swing a glass ampoule in front of you, a blue liquid inside of it. “It’s just a few things we are testing. It’s really interesting, because apparently all of your senses get at least two times more sensible. Know what it means?” he smiled, ran his finger over your skin and whispered. “You feel everything we do to you much, much deeper.”

“It won’t be enough to break me. You have no idea… How much I can take.”

“Oikawa didn’t tell you? We aren’t trying to break you yet.” you waited for his next words, feeling a shiver ran down your spine. “We are taking you to break your friend, and once we have him on his knees, we will take care of you. Take her.”

You wanted to move around, to stick your nails so deep on that man’s back that he would scream and have scars for the rest of his life. You wanted to grab his neck and turn it only to hear the satisfying sound of his neck breaking. But you couldn’t move, there was nothing you could do. Years and years of training, so many bodies you had broken, so many minds and lives you had destroyed, only to become useful in a place like this.

They took you to an empty room, with concrete floor, wooden doors and unpainted walls. There was a chair surrounded by chains and handcuffs, and a metal table also surrounded by chains and handcuffs. The man carrying you positioned your body on the table in a way you could see the ceiling, and if you turned your head, you had a glimpse of the chair on one side and a wall on the other.

You felt leather loops being placed on your wrists and ankles, and you heard the chains moving to connect to them. Even though you were drugged, they still choose to restrain you. Maybe it meant that the drug’s effect wasn’t too long.

The metal was cold against your back, the fabric of the blouse too thin to contain heat, and the room was freezing; you didn’t know if this was your real sensation or a consequence of the medication. You breathed deeply, enjoying the few minutes you had left before being cruelly tortured.

You heard the door opening, but you couldn’t see who was coming. You heard someone being dragged and a heavy gasp, then a bump and the sound of chains again. Then there were murmurs, as if someone was trying to talk, but had a cloth covering his mouth. You kept your eyes closed. You want to stay on that time particle when you don’t know, when you can’t feel, when you can’t be hurt.

“Open your eyes.” Oikawa ordered and you obeyed, staring at the ceiling. “Look at me.”

You didn’t spend a glance at him because all you could look at was Kageyama. He was able to open only one of his eyes, because the other was swollen and purple, his forehead covered in dry blood and clothes torn apart, also dirty with dry blood. His nose was probably broken, and a black cloth covered his mouth.

But the worst was to see the despair deep in his blue eye, the way he looked at you and moved, making noise with the chains, trying to get up, to get closer to you. It was like seeing a caged beast trying to escape though an open door, but being held by ropes. He knew there was nothing he could do, but he still moved all of his body, and tried to speak, and to get ride of the chains. He looked at you as if begging for you to run away, as if he was praying for a miracle to save you from those people.

You laughed in silence. He was definitely praying for a miracle, absolutely sure that there was a way to escape this destiny. But you knew Oikawa too well. He would never lose the most important piece of his game.

“Tobio.” it was the first time you called him by his first name, and it seemed to affect him judging from the way he sat back on the chair and stood still. “It’s okay. It doesn’t matter what happens, you need to stay strong, okay? Promise me you won’t give whatever Oikawa wants. Promise.”

He grumbled something, but you knew it was probably a negative from the way he moved his head. Kageyama was the kind of person that had given himself to Daichi only to save you; you knew he would never agree to your words, but you had to at least try.

“Now that we had that emotional scene, shall we begin?” Kuroo whispered, and you turned your head to face him. He was already holding a knife, touching the metal and smiling while looking at you. “Oh, of course, the rules first. Kageyama-kun, we will torture your _beloved friend_ until you tell us the way to open your father’s bunker. Of course, since she was built to endure torture and has a high pain tolerance, we had to inject a few things on her to make sure this would be effective. So now she’s at least two or three times more sensible than usual. Let’s start with a test.”

He slid the knife to cut your shirt off, showing your belly. Then he traced a path parallel to the navel, creating a small river of blood and you had to grit your teeth, trying not to show any emotion from the pain it caused. A simple cut and you already wanted to complain from the pain; this would usually not affect you at all. How strong was that drug?

“I don’t want to see you suffer.” Oikawa approached and told you. “Ask the boy and he will immediately obey you. Everyone wins, no one gets hurt.”

“You talk as if you wouldn’t kill him later, but I know you. You’ll destroy anything that stands on your way, it doesn’t matter the price, Oikawa.”

“And you talk as if you weren’t exactly like me.” he paused for a second and stole Kuroo’s knife. “Except this time, I’ll be the only winner.”

“Want to bet?”

He laughed and smiled at you. Like he used to do, a long time ago, when the two of you had a race and he was close to the finishing line.

“I always loved your sense of humor, but I don’t think you have any chances with your hands tied.”

“Oh, but I used to make you scream for me, even with my hands tied.” you smiled seductive, voice hoarse due to the sensations spreading though your body. Ache. Pain. Screeching. “Don’t you remember?”

“Oh, I _do_ remember, but don’t worry. I’ll be the one making you scream this time.” He dropped the knife and ran his hand, touching your cut, your bellybutton until he reached the gauze on your left lower abdomen. He removed it, and analyzed the hole while caressing the surrounds. He stopped to look at Kageyama for a second before inserting one finger at your wound.

You felt the flesh that was beginning to heal tore apart, you felt how Oikawa moved the finger inside it, scraping everything inside it. You couldn’t hold back the animalistic growl that left your lips when all sensations that you had once felt, while being shot, came all back at once. He inserted another finger and you screamed. Everything was much, much worse than the real bullet, than every time you got hurt while training, while running, while being hurt in a fight.

The smell of your own blood made you sick, the sensation of cold disappeared immediately and was substituted by the feeling of sweat forming in your body, you felt hot and uncomfortable, but even if you tried, you couldn’t move your body. Your eyes rolled on your globes, but that didn’t made Oikawa stop. He was smiling. Smiling so much as if you were screaming his name while he pounded inside you.

You should have known about his sadistic side by the way he wrapped his hands on your neck, leaving purple marks.

By the way he used to bite your shoulders until blood flowed, and how he licked it in delight.

By the way he used to laugh, tugging at your hair while you choked on his cock, eyes full of tears from lack of air.

Did you think it was love?

Kageyama shouted, but there was a cloth still in his mouth, so you couldn’t understand. Oikawa removed his fingers from your wound and you breathed heavily, as if all of the oxygen of the room was somehow rarefied. You vision was blurred, and all you could hear was the beat of your heart, all you could smell was something iron-like. You head was spinning, drops of sweat on your forehead, cheeks, running down your neck.

Oikawa was just starting.

He cleaned his fingers at your skin. And then he started using the knife once again. He tore your clothes apart, leaving you only in your underwear. Then he cut your arms, your belly, your legs. He drew patterns, all of them slowly and trivial, only to watch how your breath fastened and your teeth clattered and lips trembled. He didn’t spare a glance at Kageyama.

His objective was to get answers, but his main goal was watching you getting hurt. Watching you beg for him to stop. But you didn’t. You bitted your lips and felt the blood on you chin, you screamed, and you moved your head around, but you didn’t ask for mercy. _Not for his mercy_ , _not after what he had done_.

You were soaked. In blood and sweat. In pain. The tears formed in your eyes and you spilled then, like you hadn’t done since the time you came to Oikawa’s room, so many years ago, to ask for help. You cried, but you didn’t tell him to stop.

He was angry. He wanted to hear your voice; it didn’t matter what it would take. He didn’t care about the LTAN, or about Kuroo, or any of it right now. The only thing he needed was you begging, apologizing, telling him you were wrong.

You heard the noise of metal against the floor.

“Take off her cuffs.”

There was someone else there? you asked yourself. You couldn’t remember. Was it over? You were proud of yourself for enduring it so well. But this was Oikawa you where talking about, it wouldn’t be over like this. It would never be over, until one of you was dead. You saw they removing the leather loops, but you still couldn’t move, you were too weak.

Oikawa took you on his arms. He moved you around as a cloth doll, placing your hip at table height, and then he bent you down, chest crushed against the cold table, head turned to him, so you could see his face. He held your waist, keeping you from falling to the floor, since you couldn’t move.

Your mind floated for a few seconds. You felt shiver at your spine, and your body started trembling. This position. The way he pushed your chest against the table, the way he smiled at you. Tears were forming once again, but this time they were purely from fear.

“This is your last chance.” he whispered to you, and not to Kageyama. This was probably never about him; you should have known it. “Say it, and I won’t lay a finger on you ever again.”

You couldn’t speak, even if you wanted too. You could hear it.

In the darkness, your body covered by sheets. He was supposed to be dead; you had killed him; you were sure of it. Then why? Why you could hear the door creaking, opening and closing while you got petrified?

You trembled; you were so scared. He was dead, dead, dead, killed by your hands.

You had covered yourself in his blood, you had seen his body deadly white, his blue pale lips.

But he was here now, smiling at you, index finger in front of his lips, asking for silence.

You closed your eyes, because if you did it, then it would be over soon.

Soon.

Soon.

Soon.

_Please_.

Your finger scratches the metal table in vain.

You feel him pounding inside of you, once again. You hear his voice, his loud breathing.

Echoes in darkness that you would never get rid of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a month and I wrote less than a chapter.  
> I have failed you, I'm sorry.
> 
> I'll keep trying my best though, so please be patient with me.  
> Someday, I swear, I'll finish this.


	15. digression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "How do you forgive yourself for all the things you never became?"
> 
> \- Unknown

It is dark. And silent.

You feel your feet partially covered in water. Black water. It is cold.

Your hands are shaking, but you are not afraid. You could fight even with your eyes closed, because you are able to hear the most discreet steps even far away.

There is a door. A red blood door, with a gold handle and weird patterns all across it. Something attracts you to it, but you don’t know what exactly. Your steps create ripples and make noise in contact with the water and there’s echo.

The handle is warm, as well as the breeze that hit you as soon as the door is open.

It is colorful, warm, shiny.

A sunny day, a warm breeze, people talking and laughing. The grass is a beautiful shade of green, as if someone was responsible for watering it every day and keeping it healthy, only for visual purpose.

A beautiful girl called your attention, her voice familiar somehow. She is talking with two others girls, while crossing the grass field. She holds a notebook on her hand, and a blue backpack across her shoulders.

She walks past through you, and you can hear them talking about a party. They were happy and vivacious, like you’ve never seen it before. Until a ball came up directly to her head, making the girl fall on her knees with the impact.

The image in front of you becames distorted, as a television losing its signal. A boy came running, black hair swinging with the movement, a worried expression. He bent down and talked with the girl. You could hear the apologies, the timid laughing. He helped her get up and she smiled, her friends eyeing each other with a mischievous glow.

He told her his name.

She answered with hers.

You smile.

_If things were different…_

_Maybe we would meet each other like this._

_I wonder…_

_If we could’ve been happy._

“You might become an illustrator someday.” she whispered, a calm voice echoing into nothingness. “Or maybe not. Maybe you will be a doctor, an engineer, a mother, a waitress, anything. Maybe you will be happy, maybe not. This world is a cruel thing, darling. It might tear you to pieces and take everything you care far away from you.”

_Grandmother. I can’t remember your face. I’m so sorry I failed you. I’m sorry I haven’t become any of those things. I’m so, so sorry._

“When it happens, you will wish you were dead. The pain will be so unbearable you’ll beg all the gods in this world to make it stop. No good memories nor anything you experienced before, happiness, will be able to help it. When this moment comes – because eventually it will – I want you to remember my words.”

_It’s dark once again, you can’t see her. Did she ever tell you this? Or was it your own conscience?_

“Once you are old and wrinkled as me, once you realize how many things you did and survived, you will smile. You will look at kids, so young and confident, believing they have their whole life ahead and so hopeful that the world will once be theirs, and smile.”

_Ah, the smell of wet grass._

“The secret of everything, is nothing lasts forever.”

_Tokyo lights._

 “Not even happiness. Not even pain.”

_Strawberries._

“And once it’s over, you can start all over again. _Isn’t this wonderful?”_

 

 

_Oh, dear God that I hate so much._

_It’s been a while since we talked, right? Do you remember when I used to tell you about my day before going to sleep, kneeled right next to the bed, eyes closed under the kind gaze of my grandmother?_

_I committed sins. So many of them I can’t count, or even remember. But I’m not here to ask for redemption, not yet._

_I won’t apologize. I don’t regret anything, and we both know it. I survived everything you threw my way, cruel as it was._

_I killed, I fucked, I tortured, I cried, I laughed, I begged._

_I lived._

_I don’t need your help. I never needed it. That’s why I want you to keep looking at me._

_I’m not done yet._

_I’ll start it all over again._

_And you better be watching me, because I’ll set this world on flames._

A fit of maniacal laughter jolted through you.

“Did you really believed your mediocre sized cock could ruin me?” your body is shaking, probably a reaction to the drug, meaning its effect would be gone soon. You feel Oikawa clinging your neck hair and pulling your head towards him. Your eyes stare directly at his, daring. “I’m tired of wailing. I’m not that little girl anymore, Tooru.”

“You’re a terrible liar. A trauma like yours will never be cured.”

“It won’t.” you are silent, almost melancholic. “Neither will yours. And that’s why you can’t kill me.” you smile because for a second, he’s that little boy who invited you to run away with him. And he’s the guy who stole your first kiss. And he’s the one who held you so tight you were sure the two of you would become one. He is all of them, and that hurts you. “Even after all these years, we are each others weakness.”

His lips trembles, but you are sure you are the only one that sees it. The doubt in his eyes, the fear, the madness and… the loneliness that exists in everyone that was once left behind.

“That’s enough.” you hear Kuroo’s voice, and he’s releasing Kageyama from his chair. He’s grabbing him by his clothes and pushing, but Kageyama is still looking at you and Oikawa. “I’m tired of your fucking emotions getting in the way, Oikawa. Kenma, take the girl with us. If Kageyama doesn’t open the vault, I’m going to fucking kill her and he’ll find a way to open the vault with his shoes stained with her blood.”

“Stop, I already said I’ll do it!” Kageyama screamed, turning himself to you. “Just don’t hurt her anymore, please!”

Kuroo grabbed his chin and laughed. “Finally, something decent left your mouth. Let’s go.”

Kenma stole you from Oikawa’s arms effortlessly. His hair covered his eyes, and you couldn’t tell what was happening in that brain of his. Even before, you never really understood.

It was a long walk through dark corridors until another room. It was a living room, with a fancy red couch and a bar filled with hundreds of different bottles of alcoholic drinks. On the top of a wood large table, rested a metallic vault, around the size of a 20’’ television. You could see black marks around it, probably due to explosions around it. You wandered what it was made of, considering it held only a few stretches.

Kenma positioned you on the couch, and held his pistol against your temple. Kuroo shoved Kageyama on the wood chair, right in front of the vault. You realized that instead of a digital display, the safe box had four circle structures, each with the numbers 0 to 9.  At least ten thousand different possibilities.

How many chances would Kageyama have before Kuroo lost his patience and ordered Kenma to blow your brains out?

“Come on, what are you thinking about?” Kuroo asked Kageyama. “You better start trying, unless you want some new scars on that beautiful face of yours.”

Kageyama stared at you before gazing at the safe box. His hands were trembling when he set firstly a 2 on the marker. Kenma stared at you and started with a lazy voice.

“Why aren’t you asking for him to stop?”

“Maybe because you’re pointing a pistol to my head?”

“It didn’t stop you before.” his watchful gaze crossed the room “What do you have in mind?”

“Nothing against you, don’t worry. I know that I’m still under the drugs effect.” you feel your whole-body tingling and the pain of your early cuts. “But you should know that Daichi is coming. I mean, you guys should hurry. How long has it been since you kidnapped me and Kags? Oh, not to mention killing Tsukishima. Daichi and Sugawara must be really pissed off. The guy was a pain in the ass, but was one of our best snipers.”

Kuroo spends a few seconds gazing at you, and you smile at him.

“You really think it’s that easy to trick us? Daichi can’t find us here. We all know it.”

“If you say so…” your half-gazed eyes stare at Kageyama. He’s trying to decide if the second number is a 7 or 8. “But your hideouts have been found other times, haven’t they? I remember a story about it when I was still in Shiratorizawa. How many did you lost that day? Fifty? Poor guy who had to clean the place and get rid of the bodies.”

“Make her shut up. Now.” Kuroo says and Kenma is fast to put the gun’s barrel inside your mouth. You choke, but Kuroo laughs. “I know you had worst things in that pretty mouth of yours, so don’t make that face.”

 “I think it’s this.” Kageyama shrugged and looked at Kuroo. “But I’m not sure. I mean, I never really understood anything about my father and I just…”

“It’s not.” he answered while trying to pull a small black knob. “Try again, and again until you open this fucking thing, are we understood? And the longer it takes, more drugs your little friend there gets. Until she overdoses, what I’m pretty sure you don’t want to happen.”

You closed you eyes and opened it. Your jaw hurts from the time it spent with the gun’s barrel inside of it. You could hear a tick-tock, but couldn’t see the clock anywhere. And there was Kageyama, face still covered in dry blood, eyes swollen and sweating, probably trying the 50th combination, unsuccessfully. Kuroo was siting right in front of him, always telling him to hurry up. 

“I don’t know! I don’t know the combination!” Kageyama stated. Kuroo pulled the gun from its holster and unlocked it.

“Then you’re as good as dead for us.”

“Wait, Kuroo!” Kenma yelled, finally removing the gun from your mouth. “Let’s give him another chance. We know where your father is.”

“He is…” Kageyama breathed loud. “Alive?”

“He’s lying.” You interrupted. “If they knew where he was, they would’ve gotten him, not you!”

“He’s in a high-level penitentiary.” Kenma whispered, not minding you at all. “That’s why we couldn’t get him. If you open the safe-box, we will give you the address. And then you can do whatever you want with it. It’s a pretty goad deal, isn’t it?”

“Of course, she stays with us.” Kuroo said. “Just as a safe measure for us to have to time to establish ourselves before Daichi comes retaliating on us. Then, we let her go. And you two can live your beautiful love story.”

“Kageyama, they are lying.” you state. “They will kill both of us once you open the box.”

Kageyama breaths in and out. He ponders, watching the safe box. “I’ve already tried every combination I could think of. Any numbers that even meant anything to our family, birthdays, anniversaries, graduation day, everything! Even if I want, I…”

“He left you a message.” Kuroo stares at Kenma, doubting. “If we close our deal, I’ll tell you and it will probably help you open the box.”

“Tobio, you can’t do it.”

He smiles at you. It’s not beautiful because his face is swollen and hurt, and he has a few teeth missing, but for a second it makes your heart flutter and beat faster.

“You saved me before.” he whispered and you remembered that day, that seemed so far away now. _I can’t die yet_ ; he had told you. “It’s my turn to save you.” he turned to Kuroo and held out his hands. Oh, you wanted to laugh. Even after being beaten up, Kageyama still had the decency to think Kuroo was someone that would honor a promise between men. “It’s a deal.”

Kuroo smiled.

_He’s as innocent as the day I saved him._

_He will die, and it will be my fault._

_And all the others that take this drug, they will be dead because of me too._

_Maybe someday in hell I will be able to bath myself in a river of blood from the ones I killed._

“It’s a deal, Kageyama Tobio.”

“Your father said, before being taken…” Kenma started, and for the first time you saw his eyes shine and a cruel smile form on his lips. You felt goosebumps. “I’m sorry about the game I missed.”

Kageyama trembles.

“I used to play volleyball.” he explains, probably more to himself than to the others on the room. “I went to national when I was in high school. We reached the finals. Even though I asked him to come, he never made it. He was busy with work.” he started moving the numbers, until they were all set. “We lost the 2 sets. The final score was 25-21 and 27-25.”

The numbers he chose were 2-1-2-5. Kuroo got up from the chair and Kenma did the same, leaving you alone in the couch. You move your fingers, but that’s all you can do. You hear Kageyama saying _I’m sorry_ towards you, but he doesn’t look into your eyes.

Kuroo opened the vault and laughed. He removed a black folder from the safe box and a little flask filled with a translucid liquid. You could read the word LTAN on it. It didn’t take long for him to get his gun and point towards Kageyama. Kenma did the same, pointing to you.

“Since I’m a good guy, I’ll tell where your father is.” Kenma said, not even spending a gaze at Kageyama, eyes locked on your form. You moved your hand slightly, but that was all you could do.  “He is in Fuchu Prison, under the fake name of Kaori Mori. Unfortunately,” Kuroo and Kenma unlocked their guns. “You’ll never get to see him.”

You hear the sound of a bullet.

Your ear is ringing, but it’s not Kageyama that falls to the floor.

You hear another bullet, and Kenma who was once in front of you fall to his knees, gun dropping a few meters away from his body. You can see a hole in his forehead.

Someone says something, but your ear is ringing too much for you to understand. You stop breathing, pupils dilatating when you see the man standing in front of you. His purple jacket unmistakable.

Ushijima Wakatoshi.

“I believe messing with Kuroo Tetsurou was the very thing I told you not to do, [Name].” his husky voice resonated through the room.

There’s blood staining the floor, but it’s not yours.

You smile and declares back to him.

“Did you really think I’d listen?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only 2 or 3 chapters left guys   
> <3


	16. let’s meet again in hell.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "But not all  
> endings happen  
> with waving hands  
> and the loudest  
> of goodbyes,  
> because sometimes  
> endings were  
> made of  
> teary eyes  
> and the saddest  
> of smiles."
> 
> — ma.c.a // Epilogue

Daichi’s standing next to the knocker, right beside Ushijima, with a rare smile spreading his lips when he sees you.

“I always knew you were hard to kill.” Daichi whispers to you, sounding somehow proud. “But I have to admit that I thought you wouldn’t survive getting caught and tortured by someone like Oikawa.”

“Fighting for my life is getting a bit tiresome.” You answer, trying to move your body off the couch. “Maybe we should try bowling next time?”

“I hate bowling, how about golfing?” he asked, already taking his jacket off to offer you.

“Actually, how about just grab some pizza and vodka instead? We get drunk and sleep for at least three days or something.” Sugawara suggested, smiling openly at you.

“We are only authorized to this during Golden Week.” Daichi mumbles. “No exceptions.”

“So unfair.” you whisper to yourself. Kageyama is sited on the chair, immobile. He doesn’t seem to perceive the others presence.

 “Wakatoshi.”

“[Name].” his voice was monotonous and hoarse, exactly as you remembered. It was silent for a few seconds, his eyes measuring each centimeter of your mutilated and blood-stained body. You are both silent. Sugawara and Daichi can almost touch the tension around the two of you. “Did Oikawa did this to you?”

“Did you find him?” you avoid his question with another one.

“He was the one that told us where you were.” Sugawara is the one to answer, getting closer.

“What did you do to him?” you stare at Ushijima.

“Tendou has him captive. You didn’t answer my question.”

“Yes, it was Oikawa.” you whisper, and silence is restored. You can feel your arms again, slowly. You reposition yourself on the couch, dry blooded hands on the armrest.

“Kageyama.” Daichi is the first one to move to the boy, avoiding Kuroo’s body. “Are you okay?”

“Yes.” he answers, but no one believes him. He was still staring at the bodies on the floor. “Probably. I will be. Later.”

“How are you feeling?” Sugawara asks you.

“It tingles. But I can move my hand now.” you open and closes your fist. “Why are you working together? How did you get here?”

“We made a deal.” Daichi answered, grabbing the flask and the black folder on top of the table and delivering it to Ushijima. “Shiratorizawa will keep the LTAN in return for forgiving the deaths we caused” he looked straight at you, and you avoided the gaze. “and for the help they gave us for finding both of you.”

“Of course, we’ll also gain something with it. We will divide Kuroo’s territory. Also, since you discovered that Bokuto wanted to start a gun dealing without telling anyone, he’ll probably lose part of his territory, and we will share it with Shiratorizawa.”

“The LTAN won’t be released yet.” Ushijima’s tells you. “We will run more tests on it. Since it’s a really dangerous drug, it would attract too much attention from the cops, and we don’t want anything that unbalances our business. Not right now, at least.”

“We will have busy months ahead. Meetings between the remaining bosses about area disputes, dealing with the rest of Kuroo’s subordinates, finding new members to cover our new territories.” Daichi looks at you with a smile. “And we will need all of our members working on it.”

“What about…” you hesitate. “What are you going to do about Oikawa?” there’s silence. Maybe they don’t want to burden you, but you are not a little innocent girl. You never were. Kageyama finally raises his head to stare at everyone. “Tell me.”

“He’s been doing everything wrong.” Ushijima stated. You could feel your legs now, the delicate sensation of flow of blood on them. “He’s a threat to everyone else’s business and life. He kidnapped and tortured you. He killed members of Shiratorizawa. There’s nothing we can do to save him, you know that.”

“I know.” you whisper quietly. You hated him for everything he did to hurt you. But at the same time, knowing you could never see him again made you feel _something_.

_Hapinness?_

_Pain?_

_Relief?_

_You don’t know._

“We will execute him tomorrow.”

Silence. You can hear your heartbeat, someone’s breath.

“I will do it.” Kageyama declared. His face is blank and his voice monotonous, as if he was saying he was going to buy something on the supermarket. He’s not hateful, or vengeful. Maybe he just wants it to end. “After everything he made [Name] go through, she has the right to do it. But I know she can’t.” he stares at you for a second, probably remembering your last words to Oikawa. “So, I’ll do it.”

“I can’t authorize this.” Ushijima interrupts. “You are barely a member; you can’t be the executer. I will do it.”

“No.” you finally can raise yourself. It’s almost as if been sitting for hours and hours and you barely remember how to walk, but you do it nevertheless. You tremble a little, but walk until your eyes are locked with Kageyama’s.  “You really think you can do it? Shoot someone on their knees? I know you. You don’t have the guts to be this cruel, you won’t ever be, and that’s okay. That’s who you are Kageyama. There’s still time for you to run away, to go see your father.”

Sugawara and Daichi share a confused and worried glance, but stay quiet.

 “I also thought I couldn’t do it.” he had eyes as honest as a child, and in that moment, you could feel the warmth, but also his confidence. “Until I saw what he did to you. Until I saw how hurt you were. Not only physically. How you stayed quiet. How you whispered to him.” His brows furrows, you see how he clenches his teeth and how his shoulders strains. “And that moment I knew I could kill anyone who dared lay a finger on you. Who dared hurt in any way.”

You blink a few times, his words slowly setting in your mind. You are tired and hurt, so maybe the voice leaving your lips isn’t really yours. After everything, maybe it was your trauma talking. You like how his eyes never leave yours, how he doesn’t stutter when he says that. You like how honest he is, even thought he is in front of Daichi and Ushijima.

It also scares you.

“It’s my burden, not yours.”

“Everything that happened, all these deaths” he looked to the bloody floor, hands trembling. “they are my father’s burdens. And yet, you helped me through it all. It’s time for me to repay it.”

“I’m strong enough to deal with my problems, and you have nothing to-“ Kageyama blinks and smile.

“I’m in love with you.”

Silence.

Daichi and Sugawara turn their heads to the other side, as pretending they weren’t there. Ushijima is less discreet, and you can hear him saying ‘oh’. Your eyes never leave the blue orbs and your answer is almost immediately.

“I know.”

If he feels rejected, he doesn’t show it. He is smiling, and the sight of him so tired and hurt makes you feel pity for being so blunt about your absence of romantic feelings for him. You like him, but can’t love him. Not yet. Not right now.

“And I know you still have feelings for Oikawa.” he completes, and this time Daichi is staring at you, because he probably knew it all along too. “I’m not sure if you love him too much, or hate him too much. Maybe both. But I know it’s something that holds you, that affects you more than anything.”

“You don’t know anything about me.” you whisper, eyes locked on your bared feet. You try to reject, to push him away, because that’s what you do best. Because you don’t want anyone to know about you, to know where it hurts. You don’t want to feel everything you feel for Oikawa for someone else.

Because you know it hurts too much.

“I don’t, but I want to.” his answer is simple, and he’s probably still smiling. “If you let me.”

“You have to let him go.” this time the one talking is Ushijima, and his heavy but caring hands rests on your shoulder. “You know it. He’s not the same he was. None of us are.”

Silence. You close your eyes.

 _You can always start it all over again_ , you remember your grandmother’s voice.

You feel nothing.

“Kageyama, you will do it.” Daichi smiles hearing your words, but you are unable to understand why. “And if any of you bastards dare to say a single word about this one more time, I’ll swear I’ll cut all of your fingers off.”

“Oh, she’s back.” Sugawara laughs.

“I need a good night of sleep, so you better get us the hell out of here.” you say, already leaving the room.

“Welcome back, [Name].” Daichi says, and you smile.

 _It’s almost over_.

 

 _Black always suits you_ , you can hear him say. You wonder if at this moment, seeing you in black for his execution, he would’ve said the same. Most of your skin is covered in bandages, the black dress you wear only covering until your shoulders, white bandages wrapping your arms, wrists and hands. Your face has a few band-aids, and you fixed your bangs in a way to cover most of your scratches.

It’s too silent and calm, and that unsettles you. You used to love being alone, siting or lying anywhere and just thinking, feeling blessed for the calmness. But since you saved Kageyama, you got used to never being alone, to never being quiet for too long. You were always teaching him something or simply bickering. The silence was never too long, and always being active made you forget a lot of saddening things about yourself.

When you weren’t alone, the ghosts of your past couldn’t hunt you.

Right now, by yourself, they are filling up your room, staring at you through the mirror. The ones you killed, the ones you hunted, the ones you hurt without even coming close to them – sons, mothers, daughters, fathers. And you stare back at them, because there nothing else you can do. You will carry each and every burden for the rest of your life. And those ghosts would always be with you, even when you couldn’t see them.

You see his brown orbs. He will soon be another ghost next to your shoulders.

There’s a knock on the door, and someone enters. You know who is even before listening to his voice.

“Are you ready?” Kageyama is standing behind you, face still swollen and one of his eyes covered by bandages. You turn your back to the mirror to stare at him. It’s the first time you notice how tall he is, his chin at the height of your eyebrows. He looks fine dressed in black as well, and if it wasn’t for his beaten-up face, you would call him handsome.

You don’t answer him. You caress one of his cheeks, and he is perplexed for a second; before closing his eyes.

“Is it worth it? To hurt so many people only to remain alive?” you repeat his words from some time ago. From when you two were eating pancakes, and he asked you things you couldn’t answer. Probably even now, you still didn’t know what to tell him.

“It is worth it.” you can feel the vibration of his voice thought your palms. “It’s worth it to hurt anyone that hurts you.”

He’s looking at you again and you realize that his eyes are a lot different than before. He is not the same innocent boy that met you, and you’re not the same unfeeling women that saved him. _Have we changed each other? Or we were always like this?_  

“This is a path you will never be able to come back from.” you whisper, thinking about the time he asked if he would ever be able to see his college friends again.

“I know.” he grabs your hand and kisses it, and you think about how different he is from everyone you ever met. How he is able to be gentle with someone as mean, and cruel as you. How he is able to kiss a hand that spited so much blood. “But it’s the only path in which you won’t be alone anymore.”

You want to say that you don’t need him. You want to scream that you don’t need anyone. That you could live alone forever and never miss anybody. But his hands are warm around yours, and your sanity is still not completely recovered and you think about how you are about to see Oikawa Tooru die by the same hands that are holding yours right now.

You brush your mouth against his. It’s slow and weird because your lips are bruised and dry, but he doesn’t seem to mind because you are warm against him, and taste like mint. There are no butterflies or fireworks, but there’s _something new_ that it’s quite inexplicable and so innocent and so _intimate_ , that it’s breathless. He wants this to last forever, but in seconds your lips are away again and your facade the same as always. As if nothing had happened. As if you hadn’t felt the same as him.

_Maybe you didn’t._

“Thank you.” he whispers, and you head to the door, finally ready.

 

When you enter the room, Oikawa is on his knees. Daichi is standing a few feet away, with Sugawara by his side. Ushijima is behind Oikawa, already holding a gun; and Tendou is propped on the wall, almost bored.

No one says anything when Kageyama closes the door behind him. The fact that are not many people on the room relieves you for a second, but as soon as you see a camera on one of the corners, you understand that there was no way that Oikawa’s execution could be kept a secret.

He is formally dressed in a black suit, blue tie contrasting with his long white sleeve shirt. He doesn’t have a single mark on that beautiful face of his, his hair is impeccable as always and his eyes are closed but you know that he has noticed your presence. He never needed to look at you to know exactly where you were.

Kageyama walks to Ushijima, that stops for a second before handling the gun. You stop in front of the brown-haired men, and get on your knees as well. You know he can’t hurt you because he is tied, and he knows there’s no way to escape.

You can’t help but wonder. If he wanted to escape, he would’ve done right after Kuroo grabbed you and Kageyama. He could’ve escaped, but maybe he decided to save you. To sacrifice himself to make sure that Daichi and Ushijima would arrive in time to save you. Maybe…

_He is not my hero. He never was. He is not a good person, and I know it._

_Stop looking for reasons not to hate him._

_Stop looking for reasons to want him alive._

“Do you have any last words, Oikawa Tooru?” you whisper to him, but you know that everyone in the room can hear you.

He remains with eyes closed, a peacefully expression on his face, as if he was sleeping. You remember waking up to that same long-boned face, pointed chin and pale skin next to you. How he looked innocent and satisfied with eyes closed and lost in a valley too far away from reality. You used to wander what he dreamt about, if he was dreaming about another world or if he was dreaming about the things you’ve done during the night.

Right now, you wander what goes through that insane mind of his while he’s breathing for the last few times. He opens his eyes and stares at you the same way he used to do when you were friends. His lips are slightly turned upwards, what surprises you. He lost everything and is going to die in a few seconds. You can’t imagine a single motive for him to be happy.

“You ruined me.”

His voice is low and throaty, and you can’t breathe. You don’t understand what he is talking about; if it’s over the fact that he was caught, or about when you ran away from him, or the fact that at the second he decided to be with you his whole future was doomed. Maybe all of your answers were right.

“From the second I landed my eyes on you” he continued, eyes never leaving yours. “I should’ve known that I was ruined.”

You don’t answer him, even if you want to repeat the words and redirect them towards him. Because he done much worst than ruin you. He played, used and cut you down to pieces. At least ruins had a few pieces left. You? After him, there was nothing.

“I know you won’t believe me, but everything I did, I did for one reason.”

**_"You."_ **

It’s the last time you hear his voice. The last time he says your name. The last time he closes his eyes. _It doesn’t hurt_ , you want to tell yourself, but you know you’re lying. He is the man that raped you, that tortured you, that cut you, that left you alone and that terrified you.

But he’s the boy who laughed with you, who stole your first kiss, who took you away from your prison, who was there when you needed the most, who held you against him when you needed warmth.

“I won’t ever forgive you.” there’s a single tear running down your cheek, and you don’t try to hide it.  “You’re going to hell for what you’ve done.”

You get up and Kageyama takes your place in front of Oikawa. He positions the gun on his forehead, and Oikawa is smiling. You turn around, heading to the door and realizing that it’s the last time you will see him. Alive or dead.

“But don’t worry.” you whisper “We will soon meet each other again there.”

 

 

_Goodbye Oikawa Tooru._

 

 

You hear a gunshot and something heavy falling to the floor. You can’t go forward or look back. You’re sure you’ll be stuck in this split of second for all eternity, reviving this agonizing moment for hundreds and hundreds of times, in an insane loop.

_His smile, your voice, the shot, the thud against the floor. His smile, your voice, the shot, the thud against the floor. His smile, your voice, the shot, the thud against the floor. His smile, your voice, the shot, the thud against the floor. His smile, your voice, the shot, the thud against the floor. His smile, your voice, the shot, the thud-_

Maybe this is _your_ hell.

But it is over as soon as you feel arms surrounding you, warmth spreading through your whole body and calloused hands caressing your shoulders. His head fits perfectly on top of yours, and his voice is what makes you breathe once again.

“He can’t hurt you anymore.”

 

But you don’t feel relief, because his voice soothes you.

And you realize that you’re stuck in the same cycle, all over again.

Because now Kageyama Tobio is the one that can hurt you anyway he wants to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was intense, and by far, one of my favourite chapters.  
> I wanted to make Ushijima's and reader's meeting a bit longer, but I felt that wasn't the right time.
> 
> This chapter is about Oikawa.  
> And how he was good and bad at the same time, like all of us.  
> It's about being human, like reader, able to love someone that hurted you so much.  
> It's about trying to overcome traumas.  
> And being able to say goodbye.
> 
> Thank you for reading this.  
> It means a lot to me.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I'm not a native english-speaker, so you probably have encountered a few mistakes and weird sentences. Maybe you saw grammar mistakes and tense mistakes and I'm deeply sorry for that.
> 
> If you have suggestions or corrections to make about strange sentences and grammar in the story, please, let me know and I'll correct it immediately. It would help me improve my english and reach more readers.
> 
> Thank you so much for your time and I hope you enjoy reading this story as much as I'm enjoying writing it!


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